Posted by lookdownfish on June 2, 2006, at 15:47:05
I haven't posted here for a long while, but I would like to share here my experience of ending therapy.
I have been in psychoanalytic therapy for three years. The reason I went into therapy was for depression and an overwhelming longing for a mother-figure that was resulting in painful infatuations and was basically taking over my life. (see "In Session" chapter: Dreams of the Perfect Mother, that's me). Not surprisingly I developed a very strong infatuation and attachment with my therapist. This was very difficult and painful, but provided a safe environment to discuss the problem.
I have been planning to leave, well almost since I started. I was very afraid of becoming too dependent. But after about 2 1/2 years I felt that the depression problem had pretty much been nailed and that I was much better able to cope on my own. So we planned an ending. That was about 6 months ago. Then 2 or 3 weeks before the scheduled ending I discovered my husband's affair. This was completely out of the blue and a big shock. My therapist was not at all happy about me leaving when something so devastating was happening in my life. I wanted to have her continued support, but I felt ashamed about having to ask to extend beyond the planned termination date. Anyway, thankfully, she insisted that this was not the right time, and so we agreed to carry on.
Then some months later, my husband and I seemed to have improved things and were having some fairly productive relationship therapy. So my therapist and I planned the ending again. Then a couple of weeks before that date, our r/ship therapist announced she was quitting. This was another bombshell to deal with at a time when I had planned to terminate my individual therapy. I was beginning to think I would never be able to leave as something bad would always get in the way and make it impossible. However, obviously I wanted to process the ending of the couple therapy with my own therapist and wanted her help and support with this. I felt a bit feeble for not being able to end on the agreed date, but we decided to postpone the end date by a few weeks.
So today was not going to be the last session, since we had agreed to postpone. But during the week I changed my mind. All week I have been tearful whenever I have thought about leaving her and that would be soon anyway, whether today or in a few weeks time. I have spent so much time contemplating the loss of her and preparing for it, that I felt I couldn't drag it out anymore. So today I told her that I would like to make today the last session. I was in tears for half the session and completely failed to express my gratitude to her, or to discuss all the textbook things one should, like what has been achieved, what has not been achieved, etc. She suggested to me that I decrease the frequency of sessions, or come back in a few weeks for a review. But I felt that would not really be a meaningful ending for me and that I needed to face a final goodbye. I also felt strongly that my life was somehow on hold until I could terminate the therapy.
So with me snivelling and sobbing in a very unattractive way, we said goodbye for the last time. I had to go for a drive for a while to sort myself out so when I got home to my children there wouldn't be any awkward questions. I feel a bit unsure now about whether I have done the right thing. I thought I would feel liberated and relieved, but at the moment I'm feeling a bit shaky.
Thanks for listening.
lookdownfish
poster:lookdownfish
thread:652008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060526/msgs/652008.html