Posted by happyflower on June 1, 2006, at 19:09:34
In reply to Re: Please be honest, should I leave my T ? » happyflower, posted by Dinah on June 1, 2006, at 17:40:15
Hi Dinah,
I do feel comfortable with him and it took me a long time to learn to trust him because of my trust issues. I feel he can lead me through some tough waters ahead.
When I said my eyes welled up with tears, well actually a few left my eyes too, he could of pushed me if he wanted and I would have been a sobbing mess. I know he saw the tears and he knows he is getting to me. I have never cried in
therapy, so I am sure he is thinking I must be trusting him more to see this vunerable side of me. So for me to LET him see this, must mean something. It was in a very sad momemt when I was explaining to him that I had no one else to call and if I did , I would have. I was scared of what my thought were . But I ran into his wall real fast, no he isn't my friend who I can talk to when I need him, I have to have an appointment. But after I eventually looked up after shedding a few tears, I think I saw his eyes were watering up a little too. I think it is hard on him too to see me hurting and saying that I really needed him and he wasn't there for me.When I said that I was messed up. He usually says I am not, but this time he acknowledge that yeah,I am a little, but he said but it wasn't really my fault. It was a very emotional moment and I believe I showed him my very vunerable self, he saw it, and I let him, so that must be a positive step.
So I think he has realized that maybe he has been too loose with the boundries because of my actions lately. I blew up at him and quit because he couldn't see me when I needed him the most. It must be hard to really want to help me, but yet he has to hold back, and have boundries because things are getting out of control with me. He knows I am angry about this, even though I did the right thing by calling him when I was in distress, but when I couldn't see him, I got scared and really took out my anger out on him for not being there for me. Some of that anger I am sure is displaced too.
At that momement I really realized that I am truely alone . I used to be able to depend on my DH to be my friend and most of my support system. Now he is gone, and I don't have any close friends either to lean on. I have some beginning friendships, but this stuff is too heavy for starting friendship I think.
I thought my T cared, and I am sure he does, but he can't be there for me like a friend, and hitting that wall when I was so scared and vunerable really hurt bad. But it isn't his fault that I don't have anyone else. I guess you could call it tough love.
I think I want to stay with my T, I am sure once I learn the new tighter boundries and except them, and he enforces them, I think we will be able to do good work. I guess he had to hurt me, there probably wasn't anyway around it. But I still like him and value him as my therapist. He has done some really awesome things for me too.
Sorry this post is so long, but after having some time to think about it, perhap I have been too hard on him. Thanks Dinah for your support.
poster:happyflower
thread:650856
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060526/msgs/651637.html