Posted by Tamar on May 27, 2006, at 7:16:51
In reply to (((((((((((((((((HF, Falls, Damos, Estella, Sleepy, posted by muffled on May 26, 2006, at 21:12:43
You are so NOT a jerk.
Do you think you’re a jerk because you’re hurting? Aren’t you allowed to feel hurt when things are painful? Are you supposed to suck it up and pretend it doesn’t matter to you?
Are you afraid that if your little kid is allowed to express her emotions then people will know what can hurt you and they’ll hurt you again?
Do you want to hurt yourself before someone else does? Or as punishment for being punishable?
Yeah, I too have a part of me that is very self-destructive. She wants to punish me for being so bad. She wants to punish me for wanting to be loved. She wants to punish me because she expects to be punished. She wants to punish me for forgetting that I’m unlovable. Because if I forget how bad I am and how unlovable I am, then I might let someone know I want them to love me. And they will reject me: they can’t possibly love me because I’m so bad. How could I forget how bad I am? How stupid is that?
About protecting your T: I can relate to that. I want to protect my T too, though I have no idea about his family situation, but I sort of feel I need to protect him from me because otherwise I will contaminate him. But I reckon that if your T is having a hard time at home, what she probably needs most is to feel competent in her work. So I’m sure she’d be absolutely delighted if you dump your stuff on her. She will feel all warm and fuzzy at the idea of being able to work with you on the really difficult and painful stuff. Not because she wants you to hurt, but because she wants to help you. Helping people satisfies her.
If your little kid needs a really good cry, she could come over to my place. I’ll sit with her and hold her if she wants and tell her I don’t believe she is f*cked. I’ll tell her we’re all a little bit f*cked, but she’s really OK. (I can hold the strong language if you like). I’m sorry she feels tainted and wants to peel off her skin. I’ve very sad for her because she has such a loving heart. And I suspect she wants you to love her too, but I also think it’s OK if there are some times when the responsibility is too much for you. We all love her very much and will babysit when you need a break from her. I hope you can try to call on us before she gets too much for you.
I think sometimes inside kids need time away from us just as much as regular kids need time away from their parents. You’ve been working very hard to acknowledge and accept her, but sometimes it’s all too hard. If you can send her over to me (or one of the others here) for a few hours, maybe you’d both appreciate the time off. I know my inner 13 year-old would love to play with a little kid, cos she’s fed up with trying to figure out how to be a grown-up all the time. She’d love some kid time. And maybe you can have some nice cuddles with your kid when she gets back.
((((((((((Muffled))))))))))
Please take care of yourself. We love you.
Hugs,
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:649116
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060526/msgs/649254.html