Posted by Tamar on May 27, 2006, at 6:45:21
In reply to Re: I think I'm crazy (possible triggers) » Tamar, posted by Daisym on May 27, 2006, at 2:08:48
Hi Daisy!
> It sounds to me like you are circling the core issue of wanting your therapist to "make it all better" -- You want to sink into your sessions as a soft place to land, to find some peace from the world you have to navigate most of the time. And he wants to "work."
That’s interesting. It hadn’t occurred to me. I think I do want to work, but perhaps I’m hoping he’ll reward my work by making it all better or something like that. I’ll have to think about it…
> I want him to be magic. I want him to make it so we can go back in time and undo everything.
I once told my therapist I wanted him to wave his magic wand, and we’d just been talking about sexual stuff. You should have seen the look on his face! Damn Freudian symbols…
> A while back I went and talked to my priest, with my therapist's encouragement. It was there I could really sort out how abandoned I felt by God. I was given permission to be angry at God (a stunning development for me.) It was a good thing for me to do, and it wasn't instead of therapy, it was in addition too. Maybe this could be an option?
I’ve thought about talking to clergy about the God stuff. But I’m afraid of receiving orthodox answers. I don’t want to be told that God loves me or that Jesus saves; I don’t find either idea helpful. At the moment I want to talk about faith in therapy because I want to talk about it as a relationship in my life rather than as a matter of theology. But maybe I’m running away. I like the idea of talking to a priest because of the meaning of priesthood in Catholicism. I’m Protestant and so a minister to me isn’t the same kind of thing that a priest is to a Catholic. And I think I want a priest. I want the sacrament of reconciliation. I want to be absolved. I’m supposed to believe in the priesthood of all believers (because I’m Protestant) but it’s not working for me right now. On the other hand, the first step in the sacrament of reconciliation is conversion, so perhaps I’m beyond the help of priests as well.
> I also wanted to say that often when I feel like my therapist is far away, or is pushing me away, usually it is me, pushing away from really painful material. Not always...there have been times that I've called him on stuff and he has admitted to avoiding something. It is really painful when this happens...and I fold up inside myself and slink away.
I like that your therapist has admitted to avoiding things. I don’t know if my therapist would admit it. Sometimes I think I need to help him to feel safe to admit it. I’m sure that must be projection. Maybe I am pushing away from painful material. Probably.
> You are very brave and I know you are working on all of this. Allow all parts of yourself to need what they need from your therapist. It is a little like negotiating waring parties but eventually it sorts itself out.
I so desperately want to allow myself to need what I need, even though I know he can’t necessarily give me what I feel I need. I only wish he would tell me outright that it’s OK to need him. Sigh.
Thanks for the hugs.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:648983
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060526/msgs/649253.html