Posted by DisposableDoll on May 12, 2006, at 5:33:04
In reply to x-plicit...sick thoughts *may trigger*, posted by Karolina on May 1, 2006, at 2:13:03
Hey Karolina! First off I want to say though I haven't been responding to all of your replies to my messages, I have been reading them and appreciating them. It really does help to have someone I can relate to. I had written a large post in response to this post of yours and I accidentally erased to entire thing! AGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! Let's try this again.
I wanted to say I can relate a lot to a lot of this. As you know, I also alternatingly put my T in the position of my father and in the position of a lover type figure (just not at the same time). Like your T, mine is married, and while my father is several years older, my T is old enough to be my dad. I, too, find myself sometimes looking in the mirror at my makeup, cleavage, etc. and think "I am such a whore (or a slut or something)". While I do have some body issues, I'm not bulimic or anorexic and I'm sorry you have to struggle with bulimia. I do sometimes deny myself food that I want and I have considered just starving myself on a regular basis, but the problem is, at a certain point, although I still have more padding in my tummy than I want, etc., I start losing my breasts, and they are saggy enough without me deflating them anymore. Besides, they seem to be what attracts a lot of guys to me, so I can't stand the thought of losing them.
I wasn't abused physically, emotionally or sexually growing up, either, really. The words "verbal abuse" have came as a suggestion while I was discussing some choice situations, but I don't think I was really abused verbally or emotionally, as it wasn't like my fmaily constantly belittled me. I know people in that situation. Also, I was never physically abused, and I wasn't sexually abused, though there were some small incidents I'd prefer to forget.
As for my parents, they weren't sexually liberal like yours, but being sexually conservative isn't a good thing either. For example, my family taught me that masturbation was dirty, disgusting, sinful, and sick. Thing is, I couldn't seem to stop doing it. I was an adult before I finally got over feeling guilty and dirty for pleasuring myself, which is perfectly natural and healthy. I wasn't allowed to watch R rated movies till I was about 12, but I watched them anyways. The weird thing is, though sex was made to seem nasty and sinful, sometimes my family says the most perverse things, jokes about sex, etc. and it just seems like.....I don't know, it's uncomfortable not just because they're family, but because they made sex seem disgusting, but then they made dirty jokes and suggestive comments about things. Now my parents divorced early, so I don't remember seeing them grope each other or anything and I can imagine that would be disturbing. Different things make different people feel uncomfortable and certainly if it made you uncofortable, you shouldn't have had to be around it. I'm not saying whether there was anything wrong with the situation or not in and of itself, but it was wrong that you had to be in a situation that made you sexually uncomfortable and I'm really sorry you had to feel that way. Also, as far as the walking in on your dad loooking at porn.....if I saw either of my parents looking at porn I'd feel weird. Not so much weird knowing they watched it, but weird walking in while they were. :(
Well, anyways I also fantasize about my T and have had my father pop up in the fantasy before. Now, I know that some people say that females who seek to find a replacement father figure, tend to sexualize the replacement. Now, I don't think that has necessarily been true for me as a general rule, not to mention that as far as my actual dad- I am not sexually attracted to my father and the thought sickens me. However, sometimes he just pops in there. I have had OCD which dwindled down to obsessive compulsive tendancies and is really dulled down now, but I still have some obsessions and compulsions, just not as frequent, varied, intense, uncontrollable, etc. as before. Well, I knew the reason dad was popping up was partly because fo the OCD. It is also the reason that sometimes it is hard to get him to leave my fantasy. When I read your post, I thought the same thing- OCD.
When my obsessions and compulsions were worse, sometimes one or both of my parents would sometimes invade my sexual thoughts, but I didn't like it. It was frustrating. It became difficult to have sexual fantasies. However, now it seems it is just my dad. Like you, my T is a parent and sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I were his child instead. I also wonder how my T gets along with his child, his wife, his friends, etc. Also, like you I have sexual and romantic feelings for him as well as sometimes having paternal or platonically friendly feelings for him and even that in and of itself weirds me out, because I start wondering why I would feel sexual about a man that I can turn around about and think of as my dad. It's confusing.
Now, I do agree with you that your thoughts are probably getting tangled up, and I think that is somewhat the case with me as well, and our OCD or obsessive compulsive tendancies, added to all this are causing these invasive and disturbing thoughts. I too think I can be over-sexual, yet in some ways I feel sexually jaded and desensitized, and while I never saw my parents being very sexual, there are other things that that have made me feel sexually disturbed about my parents before, and I also go back and forth between trying to see my T as a lover and as my father.
The thoughts of my dad are also random and he just sort of pops in there all of sudden in my already ongoing fantasy. That's how OCD works of course, and no, we don't want to think about it, but it seems the more I don't want to think about an obsession, the more the thought plagues me, and the more difficult it is to get it to leave, and the more frequent it occours. Now, here is the thing- sometimes I get sexually aroused all of a sudden, for just a fleeting second, over things that are disturbing and that I do not want to be aroused by and that I NORMALLY am not aroused by. What happens, is for some reason the thought of that thing enters my head for whatever reason and for whatever reason, if it is not innately sexual, it is somehow associated with something sexual in my head. Now, when I associate this thing with sex in my head, I find it appalling and I wonder why it is there. Sometimes I start to worry that by it being in my head it means it does arouse me. Other times I simply think how horrible it would be to feel that way. A soon as I think of how much I don't want to feel it, that is when I start to feel it. Before I start getting scared that I might feel aroused by it, I don't feel aroused. It only happens when I get scared that it will. The only way I am aroused before this fear kicks in, is if I have already been fantasizing about something else that I normally find arousing before the disturbing thought occours, and my sexual arousal is a result of the earlier fantasy.
Our brain is a giant sex organ in a way, you know- in other words, a lot of sex and arousal is in your head, right? Well, have you ever noticed how sometimes your obsessive thoughts are about the very thing that disturbs you the most and the more you want it to go away and the more upset it makes you, the more it comes and the longer it stays? It's almost as if the very fact that it bothers you is the reason you think about it. Well, here you are fantasizing about someone who sometimes seems like your dad, and sometimes like your lover, and your fantasizing about him as your lover at the moment, but part of you thinks of "father" in association with him, and of course "father" also reminds you of your real father. Also you have seen your parents being sexual in front of you, which you found disturbing, so all of this stuff combined with your OCD makes it very understandable why your parents suddenly pop up during these fantasies and act sexually. Now, when your parents pop into your head in the middle of an already sexual fantasy that was about you and your sexuality and then they are acting sexual, too, here you are, already feeling sexually aroused from the T part of the fantasy and then they show up and if I may venture a guess as to what might have ran through your head at that moment, I would say that MAYBE you're thinking, "OH, NO what is up with this? Why am I thinking about this- especially during my sexual fantasy?! Does this mean I feel sexually about them? What if I did? Oh, I hope that's not what this is!" Etc. And the thought is repulsive and you don't want to be aroused. Now think about this. The OCD in our brains can cause us to have thoughts that we find disturbing, and even thoughts that don't feel like "our own", and we can't control what they are, when they happen, etc. and these thoughts are actually fueled by our desire not to think them. Just as not wanting to think these thoughts fuels them, maybe the arousal you feel is caused by not wanting to feel aroused. Your OC brain may be making you feel exactly what you don't want to feel, the same way it makes you think what you don't want to think. Afterall, you don't normally think of your parents in that sense, like you said yourself, and also, like I said, your brain doesn't just control thoughts, it controls feelings, including the physical feelings associated with sexual arousal. Your parents are already in your sexual fantasy thanks to the OCD thoughts, and maybe this leads to "obsessive feelings". Does that make sense to anyone else, but me? I know I wrote this in a repetitive manner, but I don't think I stated my theory clearly at any point in the entire thing, but I am tired, so you'll have to excuse that for now.
Anyways, point is I have had similar thoughts and I have also been aroused by things that disgust me before. For awhile I blamed myself and felt like I was sick. I hated myself even more than usual and I felt more ashamed than usual. When I was seeing both parents popping into my sexual fantasies, I also felt very uncomfortable for my mother to touch me in real life, even though I did not think she meant it sexually and I was not and am not sexually aroused by her. I think these thoughts were partly responsible for my discomfort towards her touch. I finally realized it was my OCD and finally came to terms with the fact that I can't just control this, and that those thoughts and even some of these feelings that come with certain thoughts sometimes, is not how I really feel, what I want, etc. and that these alien and invasive thoughts and fleeting feelings are actually there almost because they are what I am afraid of and what I do not want to feel or think. This helped me to start to feel less sick and less guilty. It still bothers me somewhat, but trust me, you are not responsible for this and you are NOT sick. You could tell your T about this and if you are not comfortable telling him he is the object of the fantasy, just tell him the object of the origional fantasy is a man that you think of as a father at times, and a lover at other times, and don't tell him that this fantasy man is him (T). Good luck.
poster:DisposableDoll
thread:638667
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060505/msgs/642916.html