Posted by Racer on May 2, 2006, at 12:44:50
In reply to Say it ain't so Marsha, posted by zazenduck on May 1, 2006, at 18:35:18
> Nor will all individuals find and maintain the loving, nurturing, and supportive interpersonal relationships they so frequently desire,. At least, they may not find these qualities in one relationship;even if they do establish such a relationship, it may not be permanent. The relationship with the therapist may be the best one an individual ever finds-not necessarily because of dificiencies on her part, but because the ability of our society to provide community and companionship is limited, even for many of its best members.......
> Marsha Linehan
>
> It may be the best you ever find but it's over ! Happy termination!
>
> So what do you do next? Is it better to have a taste of what you may never find again than never to have had it all?I don't think that's saying anything quite so bleak as all that. I think one of the most important points there is the "may not find these qualities in one relationship" part, not the "may not be permanent" part.
I also think, based on my own ignorance, that one thing therapy can do is provide a place to practice what it feels like to have that loving, nurturing, and supportive interpersonal relationship. It may be 50 minutes per week, and it may not include holiday dinners, but it does provide a safe place to come to terms with feeling safe with another person. Once we learn to feel safe with that, sometimes we can apply it to our real world relationships, too, which increases our chances of creating loving, nurturing, and supportive interpersonal relationships. I don't know if I'm expressing that very well...
Lemme try it with an example from my own life -- I'm used to feeling defensive a lot, and to being treated with a lack of respect. That's happened to me in a variety of situations, throughout my life. In therapy, when that defensiveness comes up, I get to practice not *having to* express it, because I am being treated with respect, I'm being believed, my perceptions are being validated. When that happens, though, it's an alien feeling to me, and I don't know how to deal with it. Kinda counterintuitive, maybe, but also real. So, in my therapy sessions, when that happens, I get some practice in learning to be more comfortable at being treated with respect.
And I can build on that in my real world relationships. Someday, I hope to be able to refuse to accept the lack of respect I've experienced in the past. Maybe that will never happen, 'though it does give me a goal to shoot for. In the meantime, though, at least it helps me avoid undermining myself by seeking out the more familiar lack of respect in relationships. Does that make sense?
Yeah, it does [verb describing the action of a vacuum cleaner] a very great deal that we may never find one relationship in our lives that provides everything that we have with our therapists. Don't forget, though, that the therapeutic relationship really is one sided -- we do not have to consider our therapists' needs in the same way we'd need to consider a friend's needs, right?
Ah, life's not fair. And it isn't nice that it's unfair. But at least there are some good therapists out there, and we can get some really good feelings while therapy lasts...
Muddled thoughts on the topic, which I hope included some wisdom. Or at least coherence...
poster:Racer
thread:638950
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060422/msgs/639205.html