Posted by Susan47 on February 18, 2006, at 14:44:15
In reply to Re: on knowing 'too much' about your T, posted by Dia on February 16, 2006, at 2:17:51
> it was kind of crazy. i get really really paranoid about things, so basically i just sat there and thought of things that he'd use as his password and then it actually worked!! i know what you mean asmita, it can become a habit or even turn into an addiction to keep finding out all the info about them. i seriously used to check his mail like everyday or read every message, but i've backed off a lot lately and that's made me feel a little bit better.
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> i think i did it because i have really big issues with trust, and for me to pour out my every feeling to him made me feel vulnerable and also judged by him, because i had this whole built-up idea in my head that he's some super-human who never gets depressed, etc. i do admit that reading the messages has helped me become much more relaxed and more open at our appointments, because i finally realize he is just as human as i am. but i know it's pretty sad i had to go to those kind of extremes to reach a comfort level with him. i am having trouble dealing with the guilt and it's made me feel like a really bad person.
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You're likely not a bad person, but maybe if you have issues with trust, you're making them worse by reinforcing why you don't have them, i.e., you're acting out your own worst nightmare, or part of it, maybe? I mean, reading your therapist's mail, I mean, please tell someone you did this, tell tell tell more people so you can stop yourself, because I don't think that's healthy for anyone. Don't you see it as disrespectful of him, of his feelings? Don't you care about his feelings? If nothing else, do it for him. I'm just asking you to consider it. Because if you do stuff like that, you know it's essentially wrong, you feel worse about yourself afterwards, and part of the reason is because you KNOW it's a violation against him and if he found out it would break his trust in you, so you HAVE to stop. You just have to, no matter how much you think it's interesting. He's a person with a right to his privacy, and if you respected your own, you would probably respect his, too.... just asking. Because I'm afraid for therapists who hear about this kind of stuff happening, and become frightened for themselves, and it changes their own perception of the people they're working with ... it isn't fair to anyone.
poster:Susan47
thread:609701
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060211/msgs/610902.html