Posted by bent on January 3, 2006, at 10:44:11
Hi guys. I am mostly a lurker around here although I feel like I know everyone from reading posts several times a week. I feel like I can relate to many of you as I have major maternal transference to my T of 3.5 years.
My T and I have talked about this transference many times over the years, sometimes more detailed sometimes talking around it as it causes me great anxiety. Today was the second session in a row that I have brought up my wondering about how she is with her family. How jealous I am of people who have good relationships with their families and parents who hug their children and its so natural. I told her I sometimes wonder if she is that way? She talks to me about how I see her as a mother figure and how inside I long for her to be the parent I want to fill the holes in me. I understand that but I dont think I feel that way literally.
But after today I am not sure I can take anymore. I cant stand how much my neediness has increased recently and how much it hurts. Its like everytime I see her the pain comes flooding back when I leave. I dont cry in session, I play it cool but today I was crying before I got to my car. I wanted to run back to her because it hurt so much. But at the same time I am telling myself I need to stop seeing her. If I distance myself from her the neediness and the pain will go away. I dont see any other way of dealing with it. I dont know what to do with the pain, and she cant mother me, she cant hug me, she can only give me an hour each week. It seems like the only way the pain will subside is to put space between us. I have cried all the way back to work, telling myself to call her and leave a message about how confused I am, how I dont think i can take it anymore, and how the pain is so bad right now. Or maybe I should wait until the next session, a week from tomorrow. Thats a long time to sit with this and debate on whether it will hurt more to leave or stay. I dont know what to do. Thanks for letting me vent.
poster:bent
thread:594738
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051229/msgs/594738.html