Posted by Voce on December 10, 2005, at 11:26:33
In reply to Will my words diminish dreams ,spirits of another?, posted by allisonross on December 10, 2005, at 7:59:22
<After all, knowing the difference between "their" stuff and my stuff is a big key in relationships.>
That is certainly true!! I had to learn that in therapy. That means that no one is perfect, and I'm not going to have a relationship that is perfect or going to fulfill all my needs. I can still be friends with people who disagree with me. It means validating myself enough so that when people put me down, I have the inner strength to know better.
<I mentioned my feelings for my t, and that he asked me a question ("would you go for it, if I gave you the green light"?)...I then said I bought a green light bulb...and it seemed a huge controversy was started.>
Ally, I hope you understand that your outlook in your relationship with your T is quite different, not wrong neccessarily, just different. It's outside the box. Many of us regard our T's as being too sacred for that kind of verbal sparring. But you and your T are different, and that's okay. If you are healing from what has hurt you, really healing, then I'm not going to judge.
At the same time, I think people get concerned when they hear remarks like that, because they dont hear the entire context of it, and worry that your T might be using you or playing with you. They don't want you to get hurt, and they don't want that to stand as a good example of something to just say to a client out of the blue. There has to be the correct CONTEXT, which I'm sure there was with you and your T, but remember that we aren't privy to that...just what you share with us.
<I was shocked. I assumed a trigger warning would be for really horrific things: rape, suicide, abuse, etc., etc....>It sometimes is....but it's also for things that might bother others. I don't think it's possible to put a trigger on everything that *might* bother someone, otherwise we'd be triggering everything. The civility rules here aren't perfect, but they do help a lot. Unfortunately, sometimes they hinder free expression and cause more red tape than we'd all like.
<I've spent my whole life (except for 3 years in the army) being told that every thought, feeling or action I said/took was wrong.>
I experienced this much of my life as well. I had to learn to validate myself. If you are still learning to do this, I'm sorry that you feel that being here is unhealthy. Unfortunately, IRL, there will always be people to tell us we're wrong or who disagree. There's no getting away from it.
<Being that I've lived a lifetime of verbal abuse......I mentioned that I am divorced after 31 years of abuse, but no one said a word.>
I'm sorry about that. You are very upbeat on the boards, so I'm sorry if we didn't hear that you needed to hear that from us. I'm very sorry about your marriage. It must hurt a lot...and I'm glad you have friends IRL and a T to help you through.
<I realize I am a free-spirit, and I assume (incorrectly) that people will "get it" and not be offended.>
That is one of the great struggles of life--striving to be understood by others. Unfortunately, people misunderstand all the time. And this board, which is an imperfect medium of communication as well. People don't always say what they want to say because they don't have time to write it, or whatever, and there is no reading each other's faces when one writes. I'm sorry you feel misunderstood.
<Our relationship is unbelievable; able to be authentic with one another, and he says he "honors that I am able to talk about the hard stuff" Some of that "hard" stuff is my feellings for him.>
I'm glad to hear that. Falling in love with a T can be one of the most painful experiences of life. I've done it. Heck, I'm still in love with him!!! But I'm glad you are talking to him about it. That is the only way to handle it.
<I believe we all want, need and expect validation for our thoughts and feelings.>
You are right. The hurt happens when we don't get validation. Which is why I've needed to give myself validation. Not to say I don't need validation from others, but I have a quieter inner peace inside myself, patting myself on the back, saying "you did okay."
<I have said what I have said as gently as I know how, and hope it is seen that way. I would never knowingly hurt or upset anyone....ever.>
I believe that. I think we can all learn from each other, which is why I hope you stay. I think it would be quite valuable if you stayed and we all learned to deal with this stuff together.
Voce
poster:Voce
thread:587729
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051210/msgs/587760.html