Posted by Tamar on November 22, 2005, at 19:23:05
In reply to t-day and family***TRIGGER***, posted by B2chica on November 22, 2005, at 12:01:41
> it's saturday that i'll need to struggle through. it will really be the first/kinda second time i'll see my brother since all this came out. i'm feeling really apprehensive about this.
> my instinct is to suck it all up and pretend i don't feel anything, like nothing is wrong, inside i'll be hurt, scared, feeling stupid and vulnerable.Will your partner be there? Will you be able to get some support from him?
> i keep thinking of what my t said yesterday in session and it's making me sick to my stomach. i was talking about that stupid little girl again.
((((little B2C))))) She wasn’t stupid. She didn’t know how to get out of the situation. She really didn’t know. Heck, adult women don’t know how to get out of that kind of situation, so how could a little girl know? There is no way out; that’s why you didn’t get out.
> i mentioned that
> ***trigger***
> my abuser used to say we weren't doing anything wrong, that it wasn't really sex cuz he didn't stay in very long.
> my T asked if i had a little girl and someone penetrated her just a little would that be wrong. God help me i knew the right answer but i just can't feel it. part of me says ANYONE who even comes NEAR my child in a sexual way i will beat the crud out of them, the other part says well if what happened to me wasnt really sex then it wasn't. i'm sick about it babble. i feel like such a complete perverted freak!!!!!Maybe you didn’t want it to be wrong, because that would have been unbearable. So maybe at the time you were prepared to accept his statement that it wasn’t wrong because that seemed better than trusting your own feelings about it.
Maybe you wish he’d been right: maybe you wish it wasn’t really sex because then it wouldn’t feel so bad. But… you’re not a perverted freak. You’re someone trying to find the language to express what happened, even though you were told that what happened wasn’t real. It’s very difficult to say: “My brother told me it wasn’t sex, but it *was* sex.” No one finds that easy. He lied to you, and so you find it hard to believe the truth. That’s natural and not perverted at all.
> if my t had said some (other) little girl i would have no problem saying it was wrong, but when he said MY little girl, i couldn't do it. i'm confused and scared and starting to get mad.
If you’re confused, it’s because you’re in a confusing situation. If you’re mad, I hope your anger is directed toward your brother’s lies.
I hope you won’t worry too much. Self-belief will come. Eventually you will come to realise that what happened was wrong and it shouldn’t have happened and (most importantly) it wasn’t your fault. I know it’s hard to believe. I know it’s easier to think you did something to make it happen. Almost everyone who has been abused thinks it’s their fault; abusers even say so. But it wasn’t your fault.
I know (for me) I didn’t want to believe it was my fault because I didn’t want to believe I was powerless. It was better to believe it was my fault and that I could have done things differently, than to believe that I couldn’t have changed a thing; they were going to attack me no matter what I’d done or said. I think the thing that helped me was to realise that my powerlessness *then* was not powerlessness *for all time*. I have been powerless from time to time in my life, on occasions when people sexually assaulted me. But I am not fundamentally powerless. And if people hurt me, I do not have to believe their lies that it is OK.
> please forgive me for thinking what i have.
I don’t think you need to ask for forgiveness. You haven’t done anything wrong. But perhaps you do need to be kind to yourself and consider the possibility that the little girl who suffered wasn’t a bad little girl. She was just a little girl who didn’t know what to do.
(((((B2C)))))
I hope you get through Saturday without too much pain. I’ll be thinking of you.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:581230
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051118/msgs/581359.html