Posted by Tamar on November 22, 2005, at 18:31:11
In reply to Too sensitive -- need advice, posted by daisym on November 22, 2005, at 0:44:54
> I asked my therapist "if you were treating my husband, what would you say to him about a wife who has been really depressed, isn't any fun and doesn't enjoy sex with you?" He wanted to know why I was asking and why I look like I was going to cry.I’ve wondered the same sort of thing… what if my therapist were treating my husband? What would he think of me if he heard the story told from my husband’s perspective? Would I come across as a complete b*tch? And yet when I talked about my husband my therapist never portrayed him as a b*stard. And maybe I wanted him to, just a little… but it was probably better that he didn’t!
> I finally told him that I felt like we had let my husband invade our session and I didn't want to share. That perhaps my husband needed my therapist more than I did but I wanted to be selfish and for once have things be about me. And yet I knew that we couldn't talk about my needs and my life without talking about my husband and his needs and wants. I said I felt like I was being totally unfair and irrational. I also said the intensity of these feelings didn't match our conversation. And yet I was really upset with my therapist and wanted something from him I wasn't getting and couldn't articulate.
Maybe you wanted your therapist to say something the perfect partner would say? If your husband was ‘intruding’ in your session, maybe you wanted your therapist to kick him out? And of course your husband’s needs and wants have an impact on your life, so inevitably it’s therapy fodder. Maybe you wanted to hear that your needs and wants are as important as your husband’s… and maybe you want your husband (and your therapist) to acknowledge that…
> So -- was I upset because I had such a tough weekend that all I wanted was tea and sympathy?Nothing wrong with a bit of sympathy.
> Or -- did the younger parts not get a chance to reconnect or talk?
I’m guessing it’s not that; it sounds like your married part is feeling a bit fed up.
> Or -- did it feel like my therapist was "taking sides" by trying to explore my husband's angry behavior, instead of just telling me that it was unacceptable? Does he think I'm being unfair because I can't/won't talk to my husband about what we are working on in therapy?
Maybe you wanted him to be more sympathetic and less analytical?
> WHY AM I STILL SO UPSET ABOUT TODAY'S SESSION --7 HOURS LATER???
>
> I've got to get past these kinds of reactions because I find myself in a dark place feeling alone and scared. And that just isn't good right now. How do you force yourself to not be so fragile?I don’t think you can force yourself not to be so fragile. I do hope you can accept your fragility as something positive: it’s a sign that you’re sensitive, which can hurt sometimes, but which of course is the same sensitivity that makes you a good mother, a good friend, and a good person.
I dunno… sometimes I fantasise about what I want my ex-therapist to say to me in imaginary therapy, and it helps me understand my feelings. Recently I was thinking that I wanted my ex-therapist to tell me he loves me enough for both of us (so that he can love me when I hate myself) and that he wants to take my pain away. Clearly I want to be rescued and loved… but just the idea of hearing those words was quite powerful for me. It’s not the sort of thing therapists say, but wanting to hear it is at least an indication of what I want in order to feel more whole. What would you like to hear your therapist say to you?
poster:Tamar
thread:581132
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051118/msgs/581348.html