Posted by alexandra_k on October 31, 2005, at 18:18:36
In reply to Re: i don't know anything anymore... » alexandra_k, posted by ClearSkies on October 29, 2005, at 14:30:35
> Alexandra, any chance that your posts on the Substance board have something to do with how you are feeling at the moment?
Hey. You know... I don't think its about my substance addiction but I do think you are onto something... It is about my other addiction. My addiction to mental health services...
So... I've talked about that a bit already, and maybe people thought I was joking. But I'm not joking. Really. I am really not joking. Mental health services... Have become my drug. My addiction. And I think I need them to get through... And the trouble is that contact... Makes me worse more often than it helps me out.
And so... This is a lapse. A lapse in my judgement when I think that I do need them and I forget that I don't need them. And I forget that in my better moments I don't even want them anyway. Because they harm me more than they ever helped me and I don't want to be harmed by them anymore. I want to get better.
But poly-addiction can be a problem... And I do need to be careful that I don't return to substances to get by...
It is hard...
I've been to a couple of drug treatments. Speed and LSD. Have to watch it with the speed especially (and the p now that I've discovered it gives me that same feeling...).
The treatments didn't work out for me. Got back into using dope. That was the thing for me... I know people say it is the gateway drug but fact is... For me it actually does have a use. When I get myself into one of these panicked states... Smoking chills me out in a way that probably only benzo's could match (and I'm a little tooooo fond of them). So I think... That it does have a theraputic use for me. But I need to be careful when I'm doing it too much. When I'm doing it too much to escape daily life. To numb my feelings when I am strong enough to cope without it.
I dunno...
Balance I suppose...
sigh.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:563562
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051025/msgs/573875.html