Posted by antigua on October 30, 2005, at 9:17:45
In reply to Antigua?, posted by Shortelise on October 30, 2005, at 1:47:57
Thanks for checking in. It has been a very bad couple of days but I think I've learned a lot.When I was rejected by my designated "hugee" all types of feelings were let loose, but the one I keep focusing on is a feeling that it was a sexual rejection; that I'm old, fat, ugly and this guy can have any young thing he'd probably go after (he is very proud of his physique, and is in excellent shape for his age--(older than me BTW). He has totally rejected me, and won't even let me speak with him. It's bizarre, as if I was a stalker or something.
The sexual rejection was very confusing to me. Why? Well, here's the hard part for me, and stop reading if it's too much.
My abuser was my father. He left our family when I was about 11. I didn't see him for at least a full year after that until he came to visit for Christmas (and my birthday). I was in 6th grade, had just gotten my period, was kind of chubby (as girls tend to be during puberty, before they blossom), my teeth needed braces, you get the picture. The typical awkward pre-teen. There was some confusion over my birthday present--I thought he didn't bring me one, while brought my brother one, so I was really hurt (he had sent me something that arrived later, but I didn't know that and he didn't tell me).
That weekend, I felt rejected by my father; I just felt it all around me. He had a new woman and he had no need of me. I remember he told me I was fat, which made me feel repulsive (bulimia didn't happen until later!). . He never touched me, thank god, but that weekend was the end of it all for me. I felt totally, 100% rejected, and I guess I was too old for him now. He rejected me sexually, in my young girl's mind, and since love and sex were so confused in my mind, I felt he had taken his love away.
This is really, really hard. I wasn't even good enough for him anymore. Twisted, right? What kind of normal relationships could a girl like this ever expect to have?
Does anyone else have similar experience? Did anyone else feel rejected by their abuser?? Or have I just totally lost it?
I know we're working this back towards the beginning, with my T, and I will call her later, but I'm just so stunned.
antigua
poster:antigua
thread:573261
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051025/msgs/573322.html