Posted by Tamar on September 14, 2005, at 18:21:40
In reply to Where am I headed for?, posted by FlyingKangaroo on September 13, 2005, at 20:12:05
Hi Flying Kangaroo,
> I usually run away when the going gets tough but now i just want to stay away. I dropped outta therapy because transference is too much, I cheated on my husband, went back on the coke binges, interrupted my 2 month sobriety (again) and buried myself in work and ordered some drug online (phendimetrazine) cause its sounds like a replacement for coke.I am doing some really inconsiderate things like going out on my motorcycle late at night when i know it will cause a fight with my husband. He asked me if i wanted to still be married and i said i couldnt make that decision right now ( the real answer is no). I want to leave everyone behind and just live on the road in my truck. I dont want any regard for anyone, I am being very selfish and i dont want to stop.
Reading what you write, it sounds as if you’re feeling quite angry and self-destructive right now. It sounds as if you could really use some support in your life. Is it possible in any way that your husband could be a source of support for you? Or do you have a couple of close friends?
Or are you just too angry at everyone at the moment?
> I went back to T today and told him that my only problem is this damn transference. I think he gets a kick out of it. But how can i stop seeing him when i think i am madly in love with him?
Yeah, I know that feeling. Do you think that the pain of transference is part of the reason for the coke binges, drinking and late night motorcycle rides you described?
> I know, Run away!.
Nah… stick with it. Didn’t you say that your T encouraged you to talk about the transference? If so, he’s one of the better ones. Some of them run away at the slightest whiff of transference.
I know it’s hard to face the pain of unrequited love. I’ve been there (and at the moment I’m back there). But if he’s a good therapist he should help you to cope with it and to cope with the pain of previous losses and hurts.
> It was only 2 months ago that i strated therapy and wellbutrin and now my problems are ten fold.
Sometimes if feels worse before it feels better. It was like that for me. But that was because I hadn’t felt anything except numbness and vague fury for ages. Once I started feeling things I didn’t like the pain. It did get better, though. And it can get better for you too. I know it’s hard, but hang in there.
> I dont know who I am or where I'm headed and i wish i didnt have to make a decision about that now but my husband cant put up with much more of me and frankly, neither can I.
Therapy is supposed to help you figure out who you are and where you’re headed. And I think you’re right not to make decisions about your marriage right now, because therapy can cause you to examine your personal relationships very closely. If you keep going it should help put everything in perspective, and then you’ll be making the decision calmly and with a good sense of your best interests.
Just my two cents. I hope you feel better soon.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:554808
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050912/msgs/555082.html