Posted by alexandra_k on August 22, 2005, at 20:19:49
In reply to Re: Cricket... » alexandra_k, posted by cricket on August 22, 2005, at 9:19:27
> Apologize??!! But Alex, you were my main support this week.
wow. oh wow. i guess i was just winding myself up then... i just feel so very fragile. and i'd reread my posts and it would just set it all off again. and i thought that they would be like that for other people too... started thinking that some things are best not said. or best not said on the boards anyways. save it for therapy... or something.
i guess its hard with some of it. because i think myself into a corner. and then to express that... well, there is always a risk that other people will think themselves along into that particular corner and that nobody will be able to see their way out. i worry about that. because there are some things...
but then some of those things... i have been starting to see a way out. hard to know whether there are some corners that are best ignored, or whether there is a way out of all of them. just need some faith. and even if we don't know somebody will find something out and be able to make some headway. i don't know... but either way i feel a whole heap better now. a burden is lifting.
:-)
i was actually getting fairly scaired. thought i was going downhill... could see that. thought i might need to go into hospital again. take some f*cking medication. time out. sleep. cry. plod up the hill for coffee. but i really must make this deadline. its for someone else. i promised. and i really need to do it. and i've started and it really is doable. and once its done i'll even get paid which will be some much needed relief about now.and i'm just rambelling really... but the point is that yeah i feel really so very fragile. not able to sleep much. bad ruminations. loads of crying. but i'm sort of okay. in a inner, quiet sort of way. therapy turned out to be really good. i was so worried about it. really didn't want to go. lots of talking sort of past each other. but thats okay. i got a couple things from it. about being numb. its not that my heart is cold its that i go numb. and yeah, i can see that. i can. and now that particular corner has just kind of disolved. and for the first time... i didn't cringe when she hugged me. its horrible. i try not to. but i always flinch a little. but not that time. and i wish... that she could just hold me. and i know she can't / shouldn't / won't. but just the fact that i'd like her to is progress.
and i'm going to see a registrar on tuesday next week. not going to get my hopes up. he probably won't want to get involved. but medication. i want to go back on that. maybe it will help a little. if it helps a little its worth it. i really don't want to go down hill. taking it easy. trying to take it easy on myself.
thanks so much. you have helped me so very much. i really hope that your appoitment goes well.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:545087
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050813/msgs/545340.html