Posted by fairywings on August 20, 2005, at 21:53:48
Once again I haven't posted for awhile. I've been doing a massive cleaning of the house. I've been letting it go because I've just been feeling so paralyzed, and then I feel guilty, and then I feel depressed about not doing it, and then.... well it's a vicious cycle. This week I've gotten SO much done! It's weird though, I usually have trouble letting go of things, and this time, I'm not. I even threw away an entire kitchen trash bag of photos, and a photo album. Is that weird? I feel kind of detached.
Also, I've been so confused and depressed about what happened when I read the book "Homecoming". Since I quit with my last T (almost 3 weeks ago) while I was reading the book, I didn't have anyone to talk to about it, and I've wanted to call to talk to him so badly, but I was afraid he wouldn't talk to me since I quit on him twice, and calling him probably isn't the best thing to do anyway. I don't know if I posted why I quit with him, but at the last appt. he asked me if we had a lot of money and if our house was expensive. I asked him why he asked, and he said because most people complain more about money, have more problems, and because we don't seem to have trouble just going out and spending it. I felt like saying, "you can't even remember how old I am from week to week, but you remember the state of our finances?" (Maybe it's the $5.00 T-shirts I wear every week, I don't know.) I can see where his priorities are. I felt like he let his own issues get in the way of treating me. I wonder if he was trying to piss me off, or if he really wanted to know about our finances.
I miss him a lot, I did like talking to him a lot, I knew I could say anything and he'd be okay with it, even though sometimes I had trouble saying things to him. Then, when he was on vacation, after I'd quit, one of the office staff asked me why my appts with him were so short, and when I didn't say anything, she said, "your appts run at least 10 - 15 min. shorter than any of his other patients." I was so hurt and mad. She was new, but had been there most of the time I'd been working with him. Even though I was hurt and mad, I still miss him, and still wish I could talk to him. I sometimes feel like I'm crying on the inside for him - like that younger part of me is sobbing and depressed. I don't know why.
Anyway, I'm starting with a new T next week. Several weeks ago, (the first time I quit with my ex-T), my p-doc said the guy I'm starting with is good. I hate starting over again, and I'm not comfortable telling him what happened when I read the book. Not until he knows me a little better anyway. It will be really uncomfortable for me because their office doors (new T and ex T) are right across the hall from each other, and the ex T doesn't know I'm starting with new T and vice versa. I know I'll see him, there's no way around it, and I know that will make me really uncomfortable. Any suggestions?
Any pointers for starting all over again? Any pointers for not feeling uncomfortable around the old T? Any pointers for feeling detached and lack of self esteem? If you have ones that work for me, I'll come and do your house too! ; )
fairywings
poster:fairywings
thread:544559
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050813/msgs/544559.html