Posted by daisym on July 30, 2005, at 13:55:55
In reply to Re: Lott: Sequel Question, posted by deborah anne lott on July 29, 2005, at 15:44:29
I actually said to my therapist on Friday that I was going to try to enter into this discussion about termination that was going on. He asked the same question you did, "what do you imagine it is going to feel like and how do you think it would be easier?" It has been an intense on/off issue for me since I got attached, knowing it *is* going to end at some point and trying to figure out how I'll stand it. My therapist is always straight up about "yes, it will end" but he reminds me that it will be on my schedule and just like therapy doesn't have to go on forever, it doesn't have to end forever either. He leaves an open door for past clients and he said it isn't unusual for folks to call him up and come in to sort through a few things, catch up or just touch base and make sure he is still there. I think knowing that eases the pain of it, because it doesn't feel like a permanent loss. And not being pushed out of the nest too quickly is going to be what I personally need.
We talked about deep attachment feelings, like I have. He said these usually ease off organically, the more secure you get about the attachment, the less angst there is over it. He believes that talking about it promotes the healing. He said he can't imagine ending a therapy relationship without saying, "I know I will think about you and wonder how you are, so I imagine you will too. Are there feelings we should talk about or anything you'd like to share about how you are feeling?" He said if you don't make it OK for people to be sad and upset and grieve something that is often self chosen, they feel like they can't or shouldn't -- exactly because it is self-chosen. We all know that just because something is the right thing, doesn't mean it isn't still a painful thing. Sort of like kids leaving home.
So I guess like most things in therapy, termination would be easier if you had a space of time to talk about the feelings, knowing that they aren't pathological but rather a healthy reflection of a relationship that meant (means?) alot to you. And I think disclosure on the part of the therapist about what they are feeling too would help. I think we often wonder if they will miss us...and if they think we are ready or if we are making a mistake, etc. I think this is critical for those terminations that take place with no possibility of return visits or contact. I think that as many questions need to be answered as possible and as honestly as possible. It seems to me that people get stuck when they are left wondering -- did he hate me? Was it real for her too? Would they have done anything different? Do they miss me? I'm not suggesting feeding fantasy but instead providing closure.
Sorry, this got long. I've obviously been thinking about it.
poster:daisym
thread:535044
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050725/msgs/535659.html