Posted by annierose on July 28, 2005, at 7:26:19
In reply to Wanting a mommy (long) trigger, posted by daisym on July 28, 2005, at 1:15:07
Dasiy -
I am just so happy that you are still talking about all these feelings without acting on them. I was worrying about you too!
I want to be taken care of too. And sometimes I feel that there must be something wrong with me that I don't feel that feeling more strongly. I made most of my decisions from a very early age. My parents had their hands full with 5 children and a drug addicted first born child. Any energy my mom had at all (which was very little to begin with) was spent trying to keep him in school, get him into a rehab program (I think he was in 5 - 7 different programs over time), etc. Being the 4th child out of 5, no one cared about me. I just took care of myself.
And it is so tiring, isn't it?
I always tell my T that it is exhausting always be the organized, competent, thinking, compassionate one. When do we get to fall apart?
I think it shows strength in your relationship with your therapist that you were able to "storm" at him. You trust it enough to weather the harder times ... which is now.
I don't think we ever get over trauma of our past. I think by talking about it over and over, feeling the pain that we had to hide in order to survive, again and again, having our trusty therapist be kind and compassionate and LISTENING to us (something our moms didn't do very well) ... that over time, the pain dulls and becomes bearable. Instead of holding it and all the energy it takes to keep it a secret, the power of the trauma is diminished. And it becomes a part of who we are, but it doesn't define us.
For me, therapy has helped me at extended family gatherings. I sit there and watch all these dysfunctional interactions. I try not to be part of the conversation very often. Instead, I like being the fly on the wall. It's safer, except when they try to swat at me. I shake my head and say to myself, "and they wonder why I go to therapy 3x per week ..."
I like your T's term, "the mortal wound". I like that description. The pain you do anything and everything to avoid feeling. Except ... at a very gifted therapist's office.
Good Luck Daisy. Please keep talking. You are so very important!
Annierose
p.s. I didn't mean to talk so much about me, but your post resonated with me. I'm looking forward to my session this afternoon.
poster:annierose
thread:534630
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050725/msgs/534674.html