Posted by B2chica on July 15, 2005, at 10:02:29
1)
am i addicted to xanax? i stopped taking them about a month ago cuz i started taking too many, then i thought i was pregnant so i stopped altogether (turned out not preg.) anyway i started taking xanax again a week ago and last couple days i can't seem to take just one, it's like i HAVE to take two or three. usuall i take them at night to help me sleep also. but yesterday i had appt wth T and my anxiety was high (not sure if due to T appt or not) but i took 4 pills (4 mg) and i got kinda messed up.
my t is soooo wonderful, i blurted out things i don't think i could have said 'sober' (if that's the right word) so i'm glad i showed up doped up. but i couldn't bring myself back like i normally could, my session ran over to almost two hours (vs. one hour) and he let me stay in a conference room next to his office until i felt like i was better, he even offered me coffee (i don't normally drink that but i agreed i needed something before i could drive home.i dont know if i'm addicted cuz i want to take it as a form of self injury. i don't necessarily like the way i feel when i take too many but i'm still hoping for that coma thing to happen. my T was really worried and thought i should go to the hosp. but now it's kinda weird cuz i'm there doing some volunteer work and well, it's just weird. once i'm done with the work then i could go again but not till then. i really needed help. luckily my T was with me.
oh that reminds me, he wanted me to check in with him today, just to let him know.2)
i REALLY don't want to go into a substance abuse program. i HATE groups and freak out so i really need to watch my step.
but the things i finally said on monday, well babble folk, it's taken me to another level.
you all now know about my brother and the neighbor kid. i had other pictures come to me...very hurtful, i didn't understand them and still really don't.
ok, here goes....
it's about my mother. i remember when i was young and she bathed me whenever she washed (down there) she scrubbed VERY hard and as long as i can remember (as long as she bathed me), hard enough to make me sore afterwards, i remember her face and it was like she Hated doing it. then....i remember her putting vaseline both on genitals and well my backside if you know what i mean (i just can't say it).
my T said vaseline is normally used for lubrication -that made me numb and confused- i can't even grasp my head around that. i don't think it was sexual, i really don't know. i just remember the feeling of the gel after the bath i got so used to it that i did it on my own for years, i thought that's what you did. i thought maybe she did that cuz she new she rubbed hard?i'm so confused. i never thought i'd say this but i wish i had more visuals about this so i could connect some dots.
thanks for listening.
any thoughts or advice is greatly appreciated.
'in a daze' b2c.
poster:B2chica
thread:527984
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050706/msgs/527984.html