Posted by shrinking violet on June 27, 2005, at 18:57:29
In reply to Re: confused, sad » shrinking violet, posted by happyflower on June 27, 2005, at 13:05:45
>> ((((Shrinking violet))))
--Thank you, here's one for you too {{{{happyflower}}}}
>> "How are thing today? Are you feeling any more at home at your new place?"--No, not at all. If anything, it's harder, because I went to my old apartment today, to give my landlords the key and get my security deposit, so being up that way again was very hard.
>>"Don't worry about whether you are posting support or not, I think we always can't help others all the time, but just being here, is giving support."
--Thank you. I just feel guilty for taking when I haven't given anything.
>> "It sounds like you and your T was so close, I believe in feeling when something isn't right with another person. Even if you don't see them. It is like a 6ths sense."
--Thank you for understanding that. Yes, it is very much like another sense. I've always been that way with people (never actually told anyone until now!), although this is one of the rare times I feel it when not in contact with the person in some way. If someone else told me that they were that way though and I wasn't, I'm not sure I'd believe it or understand. It's an odd thing.
>> "Are you allowed to contact her? I don't remember why you had to stop therapy. Do you feel comfortable in writing her, letting her know how you are doing, and asking about her?"--Hm, depends. I'm not supposed to email her. I have her home number and she told me to call if there's anything she can do to help, but sometimes people say that and don't mean it, and I would never call her at home. I sent her a card a few weeks ago, and last week I did write her a letter, updated her on some general things (my move, etc), and sent her some pictures of a swan and cows I took while on one of my walks when I lived at my apartment (the day after I sent the letter, I came across some rabbits on my walk, and wished I had waited one more day to send it so that I could have included a pic of the bunny too!). I told her that I feel like things are unsettled with us, that I wished we had talked about our relationship, etc, and I hope that someday we can have those discussions but I'm trying to accept that it might not happen. I haven't asked any questions in my letter to her; I don't think I could do that to her (I'd be too afraid she would think I was trying to manipulate a response). It's hard too, not knowing whether she wants to hear from me. I hate the idea of sending her things she'd rather not receive. And I wonder how much longer I'm going to write to her, knowing I'll never hear from her. It's too hard.
Oh, as for stopping therapy...It's a bit confusing, because I'm not sure myself. My T works for a Uni, and she is only allowed to see students. At the time, I was preparing to graduate in August. I thought we'd have until May, at least, and was hoping she'd see me through the summer. But in March, she suggested we terminate because it was becoming "too painful" for her. I wish I had asked her what that meant, and told her my feelings about it. But back then I was so numbed-out and distant, that none of those things ever occurred to me when I was sitting in front of her (and even if they did, I'd be too afraid to say them). So I saw her maybe 2-3 times more from then until May, when we had our last session. In the meantime, I extended my graduation to December, since I had a very rough semester emotionally/mentally/physically and couldn't bear any more mental processing in any capacity, and I thought I'd try for inpatient for the summer. It's a bit confusing, sorry...I'm not even sure of a lot of it myself (questions, questions...), but that's the situation in general. Messy, isn't it?
>>"SV, do you have a big stuffed animal that you can hug right now? Can you see another T? Please post as much as you like, we are here for you."--Thank you. Your first question is making me cry, becuase I started to remember the soft cuddly chair pillows my T has. I'd hold onto them during sessions and sometimes, during a break or a particularly hard time, she'd let me take one home and I'd keep it with me everywhere. I miss it a lot right now.
--I could see another t, of course. But I can't in the sense that 1) I can't afford to spend $$$ going through xxx number of T's before I find one that I can maybe work with. Also, and more importantly, I don't think I have the emotional or mental resources for something like that, and 2) if I get into this residential center, I'd have to abruptly stop working with the new T to go inpatient for 4+ weeks, so I don't see the point of starting something I may have to stop soon anyway and 3) It's hard to voluntarily start another situation like that again when the first one feels unfinished, and hurts so much. I feel like I'm being stupid and finding excuses not to move onto another T, but whenever I think about it I get upset. I just can't right now (not saying I don't *need* it, but I just can't). And I blame myself for what happened with my T, and I'm afraid of putting someone else through that. I've subjected enough people to me, for a while, I think. :-(--Thank you for your thoughts, I appreciate them.
--sv
poster:shrinking violet
thread:519474
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050622/msgs/520102.html