Posted by happyflower on June 24, 2005, at 12:37:03
In reply to Re: tootriggered to write....**graphic triggers!** » happyflower, posted by B2chica on June 24, 2005, at 12:11:34
> thank you dear happyflower.
> just writing you name, gives me a little smile.
>
You are so sweet! Thank you!
> it was crappy and it took me a year and a GREAT 'T' to finally get this out. i'm stil struggling cuz i split my feelings, the one side that i don't let out hates her and what she did, the other side feels sorry for her cuz i wonder if she was abused.She was probably abused too, but it is no excuse what she did. My mother was probably abused too, but that doesn't excuse what terror she did to me.
I was talking to my hubby this morning about my mother and what if we got a call that she died. Well I said I don't think I would shed a tear. I would be happy. I don't know if this the proper way to feel, maybe I should ask my T this. Or maybe I have divorsed her and moved on. Who knows, there is probably hundreds of oppions.the thing that makes me so angry and hurt is she's not totally out of my life, and last year (not to long after i started getting flashbacks of this long forgotten this incident) she started dating my sister-n-laws brother and saw one of my old friends and told her that 'I'...that 'I' molested her! it stabbed like a knife...fortunately she's such a compulsive liar my friend just passed what she said and shook her head saying 'she hasn't changed'.
Wow, it must be so painful to have her around. Is she still dating this guy? I found that the only way to protect me and my family was staying totally away from her, unfotuntelty this also means all of my family on her side. ( not a big loss) This girl would make me very angry too, I totally understand, and you have every right to feel this. I think sometime in therapy we think we shouldn't feel anything strong, but in this case it is justified.
> i can take it...i want to say i can take the pain, i'm used to keeping so much pain inside that i'm used to it. i'm used to that ache inside.
>
(((((B2)))) Someday I hope the pain will evaporate, you deserve it, and it isn't your fault , any of this!> ii downsize it cuz i know that there are worse things that could have happened to me, i always think of terrorists and stuff. or life of women in any 3rd world country and i know it could be worse for me.
>
Yes, those things are bad things, but being abused is just as bad if not worse. I think I would of loved to live in a 3rd world country with a family that loved me, instead of living with my childhood in the USA>> i like what you said about us paying for the mistakes of a few sick people AND their going about their lives like they didn't do anything. it's so anger provoking.
Yes, this makes me mad too, but I also realize I have to move on, or my family will suffer because of my mother too, in a indirect way. My kids deserve a great mommy, and I want to give that to them. :)
>> i'm ok, little unstable but ok. my T's be great through all of this. i hope you are ok too.
I am okay, because of therapy, I am not suffering from PTSD, which lifts a huge weight of my shoulders. I feel like I could fight against my mother's hurtfull things. I had a reaccuring dream my whole life of my mother chasing me trying to kill me. Well a couple of months ago, I stood up to her, and took her knife, and used it on her ! Brutal I know, but my T thought this was wonderful, because I feel like I am strong enough to beat her at her own game. :) Well take care of yourself this weekend, I hope this didn't trigger you too bad, be strong, fight those demons.!!! :) Don't ever give up hope, you can heal, and beat the odds and live a good emotional life. I am trying, somedays it feels really bad, but I have to move on, or my flower will lose all it's pedals. :(
poster:happyflower
thread:518024
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050622/msgs/518085.html