Posted by crushedout on June 23, 2005, at 21:51:36
I know I haven't posted much lately. It's actually been really hard for me to read Babble since I left my old T (end of last Oct.) because I feel so envious and sad about everyone's relationships with their Ts, which I no longer have. I don't have strong feelings about my current T. She's very kind, but I don't think about her much outside of therapy, and I'm certainly not in love with her by any stretch. Don't get me wrong: I'm hugely relieved about this. I certainly did not want to jump out of that frying pan straight into a fire. But I wish there was more of a middle ground.I don't feel like we make much progress. It often seems like we're going in circles: I tell her the same stuff over and over and she asks the same questions over and over. I wonder if she has a poor memory, which is something I have trouble tolerating in anyone, but especially in a T. She takes tons of notes; maybe she needs to read them. But I would never tell her this stuff. I'm afraid of jeopardizing what connection we have. They're people, you know, and if I tell her she basically sucks at her job, there's a good chance it will make her defensive and like me less. I can't afford that right now.
The other thing that bothers me about her is that whenever she starts to talk, she kind of rambles and I end up having no idea what she's saying. Then at the end, she asks me if whatever she was saying rings true, and I look at her with a furrowed brow and kind of shrug. Today I actually said, "To tell you the truth, I couldn't follow a word of what you just said, and I was trying really hard." She actually is amazingly undefensive. I've said critical things in the past and she's taken them really well, so maybe I could trust her. But I really don't want to push my luck.
I should be clear: there are times when I think I'm sorting out stuff and it's useful. Sometimes I think that sort of happens *despite* her, though, not because of her. Like when she just asks simple questions and kind of stays out of my way, lets me think out loud. Maybe that's the best we can hope for. Maybe if she were more brilliant and insightful, I'd fall madly in love again and be back in that awful place of wanting something desperately that I can never have. So this is actually better than having a brilliant therapist.
The truth is that I just can't bear the thought of leaving her and starting over with someone new at this point. I just can't do it. I can't. :-(
poster:crushedout
thread:517766
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050622/msgs/517766.html