Posted by alexandra_k on June 23, 2005, at 19:01:57
In reply to Getting Attracted/Falling in love - transference?, posted by pinkeye on June 23, 2005, at 18:46:44
> I have begun thinking that this whole phenomena of attraction and falling in love and thinking of another person as soul mate, and I can't live without you kind of thing and obsessing about any person is more about transference than it is anything real.
Ah. The western ideal of 'romantic love' is actually a fairly recent discovery / creation. Our culture puts high value on strong feelings of attraction and 'being in love' which seems to mean something like a happy high when you are around them.
But... In my experience that experience is fleeting. At the whim of who knows what. I think novelty is a huge part of it. When you don't know so very much about someone and nothing you know about them bugs you / turns you off or whatever it can be so easy to just assume that all the rest of them will be like that too. But as we get to know them a little more we find that there isn't really any such thing as the perfect person for us.
I reckon... That 'love' (in the sense of romantic love) is more like friendship. But with an attraction that you probably don't feel for all your friends.
It is like how some friendships can be whirlwind affairs. You do everything together and tell each other everything and it goes great for a time. But it can be too intense and ultimately unsustainable. I think love can be like that too...
But love that is based on friendship and companionship and awareness and acceptance that your partner isn't your perfect partner in every respect - maybe they don't put the toilet seat down or maybe you can't talk to them about all of your feelings or whatever... But that kind of love is more a committment to companionship and that is capable of lasting.
Whereas the former... Well... I know the story is meant to go that one gets whisked away and lives happily (in that state) ever after. But... I think the endorphins or whatever run out eventually... The idealisation runs out eventually... And then... Without friendship / companionship what is left?????
I think of the latter as proper love.
The former is more likely to be transference.
We don't choose who we are attracted to in the former sense. We don't choose when the feeling comes, and we don't choose when the feeling goes either.But then... This is probably more about me than you and so I'm probably talking out of my *ss...
poster:alexandra_k
thread:517652
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050622/msgs/517661.html