Posted by fallsfall on June 20, 2005, at 20:48:38
I learned something important in therapy today: I'm not normal. It really makes it worth getting up in the morning when you can learn something new. Here I've been deluding myself for years, thinking I was normal!
I had a rough weekend. Lots of anxiety. So I employed a bit of distraction. On Saturday I spent (a number of) hours playing a computer game. On Sunday I spent (a number of hours) watching TV. I told my therapist about this because I figured that these behaviors were an indication that something was wrong. We spent just about all of the session with him asking me in myriad different ways "Do you think that it is *normal* for people to get anxious and not be able to go on with their lives?" "People get anxious all the time, but do they stop being able to function?" etc.
If I thought it were normal behavior, I never would have told him about it. Duh!!!
It was like he was going to keep pushing until I said in exactly these words "My behavior this weekend wasn't NORMAL".
If my behavior was always normal, I wouldn't have to go to see him 3/week.
He didn't suggest anything that I *should* have done. He just wanted me to speak in a full sentance and tell him that what I *DID* do was "abnormal". He was definately not a CBT therapist today. They love to tell you what to do. All he could say was "Why do you think you did that?"
It has been a long time since I've felt criticized by him. But I feel criticized today. It feels like he said "Stop being such an idiot, and just do what everyone else does. Just be NORMAL". Gee, and all this time, I thought the goal was to be abnormal.
Why am I so angry about this? Is it because he wasted a whole session trying to get me to see something that I saw before I entered the room? Is it because he wouldn't accept it when I suggested that perhaps there was a better way to deal with my anxiety - he kept pushing until I said it clearly enough that he was sure that I wasn't missing it. Is it because I felt like he kept suggesting that I wasn't understanding something that was so blatently obvious? Is it because I feel like I've failed, when I was just trying to hold it together? Is it because when I play the computer game now, it just makes me angrier - it doesn't soothe me anymore? Is it because I won't see him until Thursday, and by then I won't be angry anymore - so I will have wasted all this good anger and all I'll have to show for it will be that I'll be eaten up inside?
poster:fallsfall
thread:516257
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050615/msgs/516257.html