Posted by happyflower on June 10, 2005, at 11:18:37
I guess I have been thinking a lot this week, and I am freaking. My T said how can I help you if you don't tell me what you are feeling or that I need help. He can't read my mind. I guess I should give him a break, even my husband doesn't know what I am feeling all the time and I have known him for 15 years. I have a great experienced T and even he can't read me if I hide things from him.
So I got to thinking that in order for him to truely help me, he needs to know everything, not just from the past, but what is affecting me in the present time.
This scares me because I will have to reveal things that I don't feel I should. Like about my true feelings about my marriage, my life, how hurt I am really feeling. On how I am not living my life but my husbands version. What happened to my self spirt? Why am I only living 50% of what I want out of life? I know I allowed this to happen, but I feel so smothered in my marriage. If I don't don't have my marriage, what is left? It is the only thing that has been constant in my life. But I feel that I have outgrown my husband. Therapy is allowing me to see that I am not being the real me and living the life I should. But I am freaking because will my husband like the real me? He is already worried about my new independence and my need to make my life better. He is afraid I will become better and say what the heck am I doing with him. I am afraid to admit to him, that I am thinking the same thing. I truely love him but I feel I need more. After almost 12 years, how can I allow myself to feel the truth, even if hurts my husband, and I feel guilty for feeling this. He is a good man, but why can't I just be happy and go on with my current life?Does anyone get what I am saying? I would love to have your input. I go to therapy this Wed. and I need to think all of this out. Can you help me, please, I really need some support right now. I know I am asking a lot from you all, but I don't know who else to ask, especially about something so personal without hurting others that are involved.
I am making a list of current things that are bothering me to show my T next week. It is tough to "see" the truth in writing. Somehow seeing it in writing makes it really true and real. This is scary for me.
poster:happyflower
thread:510528
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050606/msgs/510528.html