Posted by pinkeye on May 27, 2005, at 19:30:43
IT was not real for me as well. All the attachment and everything even that I had - they are all fake (or transference) or some left over ghosts from the past that I projected onto my ex T. I was perhaps just trying to paint different faces onto him and learning from that. I don't think I cared really as well. How could I have cared? I didn't know anything about him. I liked him because he helped me - not becuase of what he was. That is not real liking - to like a person just because of what they do for you. WE feel all the attachment, but it is actually pretty selfish thing that we do. We like because we get to be helped. Maybe I wouldn't have liked him if I was in the helping position, and he was taking help from me. The same exact persons, if the role was reversed, then the feelings would have been opposite. Maybe he would have ended up liking me, and I would have been indifferent.
So you see - this kind of relationsihip is not real at all. IT is based only on expectations and expectations being fulfilled. It is not a real liking.
Plus I now realize more and more that even that is mostly a projection of my own deep longing for an emotional relationship. It has really nothing to do with my exT. It is all leftover from my relationship from my dad and possibly other previous relationships. So it is not a real thing for me either. I don't really know who my ex T is, if I really like him or if I am projecting etc.
I am grateful for his help and I like him for having helped me. But saying that I like him and care about him is all not true. I got something from him, and I liked that. That was all there was to it. And it is a wrong way to like a person to begin with - to like someone because they do something for you. That is not liking, that is being pampered, and you like the pampering. Just like how politicians are pampered by people under them in India. It is not true. I don't want to be that way.
poster:pinkeye
thread:503882
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050521/msgs/503882.html