Posted by Shortelise on May 11, 2005, at 16:14:07
About six years ago, I stopped working for a couple of years because of a few incidents that happened while I was working for two separate people. One of them kept calling me, and eventually I told him how angry I had been at him, how badly I thought he had treated me, how I'd said lots of nasty things about him behind his back, and that he had to promise he'd never again let me down as he had. The gap was mended and I work for him now whenever he has work for me.
The other guy called me again last Friday for the first time since the nightmare job six years ago. I kind of got him mixed up with someone else, agreed in priciple to do the job, and we agreed to talk this past Monday about dates, dollars, etc. He didn't call. I called him on Tuesday, he didn't call back. Today I had a bad feeling so I googled him and there I saw the name of the project I'd worked on with him and remembered who he was and knew I couldn't work with him again. He finally called me this afternoon and I told him that some other things had come up and I took them, that I'm busy, I know he knew it was some kind of bull, and it hurt his feelings, but I felt I couldn't say, hey, you completely f@#$%^& me over six years ago, and there's no way I'm going to work for you now, buddy. The guy is incompetent, and I'm the one who will suffer because of it.Anyway, the point of this is I am really upset, I heard the confusion in his voice, I know he thinks I am being a prima donna, or really I don't knowwhat he thinks, but I could hear him feeling bad, and I feel awful.
And I want to be able to do the jobs that come along. The work I do is very specialized, and there isn't a ton of it, and though I am in a position where I don't have to work a lot, I love my work. It's stressful work, but I love it. And I take pride in the fact that because of therapy I am now able to work with relatively little anxiety.
I really want to phone my T, but also feel I shouldn't. I talked to my husband, who even with his arms around me couldn't comfort me - he held me like a grocery bag, like a camera, not like a woman who needed comfort, though I know he wanted to comfort me. I feel like there is no one who can comfort me, not even me, and I want to know if my T would, if I would come away from a phone call with him feeling comforted. I'm afraid I wouldn't, because he is withdrawing from me.
I would like to be able to deal with this small crisis on my own. Could it be that I want an excuse to phone my T? That I miss him? That I'm letting this upset me more than it would so I can call him? On the other hand, I do want to be able to handle stuff, I want to let the five weeks between visits elapse without talking with him. I really have felt pretty ok about not seeing him. So, am I unjustly accusing myself of overreacting?
I think I'll just go in the other room and chase my tail around and then flop on the floor and pant, just like my cat does. Maybe that'll clarify things.
Thanks for listening.
ShortE
poster:Shortelise
thread:496521
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050504/msgs/496521.html