Posted by Dinah on May 6, 2005, at 18:45:55
In reply to Re: Pinkeye? (very long) » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on May 6, 2005, at 18:18:30
Pinkeye, that sounds awful. I'm so sorry you had to grow up that way. And I'm so glad you're starting to see the connections now so that your kids will benefit.
I think our positions are a lot different with our mothers. I think a lot of people would objectively say that your father had problems. They would objectively say that my father had problems. There's no way to avoid the fact that he was an alchoholic, even if he didn't get drunk. There's no way to avoid the fact that he said the most horrible things to my brother that I was always grateful that my brother was as nice as he was or there could have been something very ugly happening, and I'm not sure I would have blamed my brother. And he said things like that to my mother as well. That she was worthless, that he hated her so much he wished he could kill her.
He tried to leave her once. But leaving her would have meant leaving us with her alone. And I begged and pleaded and he decided to stay because of that. Because he loved me, and because he didn't think my mother should be our single parent. They'd have probably broken up when I was a baby if it weren't for me. They separated for a year, and even my mother admits they got back together because they both loved me. Daddy had to live with my mother for close to fifty years because he loved me.
The difference is that most people who meet my mother would objectively describe her in horrible terms. One friend, after spending a night at my house that by my standards was a perfectly ok night, whispered to me "Your mother is really awful. I'm so sorry." My husband liked my father ok, not really well, but ok. But he avoids my mother as much as he can and makes no pretense of liking her - even to her face. I spent a lifetime watching people edge away from her as she intruded into their personal space. I had people her age - her peers - ask me to do something about her because she was annoying them and they couldn't get her to stop. When she had that red faced screaming fit about not having the hospital bed that my father needed in HER house in front of the social worker, the social worker worked overtime to get Daddy into the hospice and away from her. When my therapist heard what happened, he totally turned against her, and now seems to think all Daddy's problems were a result of living with her. Which I think was a bit extreme. Daddy was a difficult person too.
I can't tell you the number of times her gossiping, her poor grasp of reality if it didn't tally with her idea of what it should be, and her temper resulted in some unpleasant social situations for me. She pretty much drove me out of the hobby I engaged in for many years by getting politically involved in factions when she also got involved in the hobby.
So objective people would think your mother was a nice person, right? But I've spent a lifetime of hearing that my mother was horrible from nearly every objective person she comes in contact with.
That being said, she does have her finer points. She taught me everything I know about being a good person who cares for others. And she really does put herself out for people that other people ignore or belittle, like elderly relatives or kids with problems. She loves really little kids and is great with them.
And sometime she'll say something really vulnerable that reawakens some long killed positive feelings towards her. Like once she said wistfully that people didn't like her, and she knew it. I think we were talking about looks at the time...
poster:Dinah
thread:494198
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050504/msgs/494662.html