Posted by mair on May 3, 2005, at 16:26:29
I can't even begin to count the numbers of times that I've assured posters in despair that depressive thoughts have a feel of permanency but they aren't permanent- that with regard to suicide, those feelings are going to go away.
Now being in that position, I realize how hollow all of that sounds. My T keeps reminding me that I've come out of other episodes before, and all of that is true although it's been a long time since I've felt as bad as I do for as long period of time.
I really think the more relevant question for me is not whether I'll feel differently at some point in the future, but when and at what price? If I knew, for instance, that I'd only feel this way for another month, that might be one thing, but if I knew it would be another year, I'm sure I couldn't make it. And by the time the worst is over, where will I be professionally, and how much will I have cost my family in loss of income etc? Will I be able to continue working? Will I have a job left? Will I be able to stay out of the hospital (frankly I think I'd rather die)? When you have a disease for which there is no absolute cure and which can make you so miserable, it's very hard living with the concept that you can't know what the future holds - even the comparatively short term future.
And it's also difficult not being able to see how I'll get better. Will I have to go through months of new meds trials, something I suffer through poorly, or will therapy help pull me out? All of my negative thinking just feels too pervasive to be attackable with therapy. My therapist is working hard at this now and not letting me wallow in the misery I feel. I've pretty much sworn off telling her about all of my suicidal ideation because it generally makes me feel worse, seems so unproductive and shaming, and feels like too much whining. But there I sat yesterday morning relating to my pdoc some details of practically every suicidal fantasy I've had in the last week, and there have been a bunch. So what's that all about? I see my T 2 (sometimes now 3) times a week; when things were better, I was only seeing my pdoc maybe 3 times a year. So why can I talk to her about this and not my T?
This requires no response. It's just interesting to me that the encouragement you give others is worthless when self-applied and while you can know something intellectually, it's very difficult to accept it in the face of stronger depressive thoughts.
Morbid Mair
poster:mair
thread:493207
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050428/msgs/493207.html