Posted by alexandra_k on April 28, 2005, at 4:35:28
I sort of do have a therapist. I know this sounds odd but I sort of forget about her at times. And I don't really think of her as my therapist. Just someone I go and talk to sometimes. I think I have mentioned her before. Shes the one who came to see me in hospital and gave me a hug.
I go and see her. And... We sort of talk about stuff. The 'how has your week been' kind of day to day stuff. She knows about the assessment and the DID dx and p-doc. And that I miss time and stuff. We talk a little bit about that stuff but not too much. Just when I bring it up, I guess. She doesn't push me or anything like that.
I worry about talking about that stuff. I worry that she will feel out of her depth. And terminate me. Or something.
But I went and saw her today.
I was pissed off with her because apparantly she rang p-doc and told him she had been working with me when I went missing. SHE WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL HIM THAT. Anyway, we didn't talk about that today.But she asked me how I felt about seeing him next Tuesday. And I told her about how he isn't going to be seeing me anymore after that. And about how he said that he would work with me if the funding didn't come through and that he would get adequate supervision and that we would work together properly and that HE LIED. And that he told me he couldn't see me anymore because of his promotion but then he also told me he wasn't taking that up until August (so HE CAN SEE ME TILL THEN AT LEAST BUT HE WON'T) and that he is moving to the dual dx unit anyways and I have a history of substance abuse SO HE COULD KEEP SEEING ME FROM THERE EVEN BUT THAT HE WON'T.
And I told her that I was really upset with him and that he lied to me and that he just get bored with me like therapists do and then they don't want to see me anymore and they just want me to GET THE HELL AWAY FROM THEM and they don't care what happens to me so long as they never have to see me again.
And she said maybe it wasn't really about him. Maybe it was about something else that had happened before that. And I said I knew that but that I didn't know what to do with it just that it hurt so bad sometimes.
So she said I could talk to her about that next time.
But the trouble is that I suppose she is my therapist. Even though I have immense difficulty seeing her in that way. It is like part of me is there but a huge part of me is somewhere else. And I just seem to talk to her a lot about p-doc.
But when I was seeing p-doc we spent a fair bit of time talking about the psychologist before that.
And when I was seeing the psychologist before that we spent a fair bit of time talking about the psychologist before that
:-(
And it is rare that I ever feel really present with the person I am seeing AT THAT MOMENT.
She thought I might be representing / remembering him unfairly. That my memory goes a bit funny sometimes for things like that.
She said a couple of things - and I was starting to see what she meant...
But I can't remember them now...
It just hurts so much sometimes.
And I can't figure out why and I don't know what I am supposed to do with it.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:490699
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050428/msgs/490699.html