Posted by Aphrodite on March 22, 2005, at 18:43:11
Can that really be?
If you recall, I went into a deep depression after having to go to my birthplace for a funeral. I was triggered, suicidal, ready to crash. It alienated me from my T -- I blamed him (wrongly, I know) for my raw, exposed state and inability to handle the situation. I really should not have -- he called me when I was out of town, offered to be on the phone while I was at the cemetery, and checked on me while I was on the road.
I withdrew, as I always do, to protect myself. (Sorry I've been MIA here too.) He was persistent, and I just showed up when I returned and did very little besides quietly sob in sessions. I made a huge case for quitting -- that the overwhelm was harmful, that it made me worse, etc. I really do have a good case, but a habit of quitting. I did say I would leave responsibly, continue to see the pdoc, whatever helped him be OK with my decision.
The result was a 6 page single-spaced document outlining what I've gained from therapy, all of his insights and feelings about me, why I needed to persist. I was touched, but it wasn't enough. Another document followed -- this one was tough. I've never known my sweet, laid back, accomodating T to set any kind of rules, boundaries, etc. This document said I had to comply to a formal exiting plan including several more meetings in which I have to fully explore and explain my motivations. I cannot miss any of the sessions. If I miss, he will come looking for me, which could include him actually showing up at my house or calling 911 due to my chronic suicidal ideation. He was merciless and unyielding. He was uncharacteristically tough and said, "You're not allowed to quit under diress. You are too important to me." He also explained his heavy-handed approach as acting in my best interest and that he was protecting my wounded part from my defeatist, invalidating cynical part. In this time, I did not answer a check-in call (there was a misunderstanding on time), and he called my husband looking for me. Yes, I feel very, very cared for -- he leaves no doubt, but this has all been hurtful too.
I caved last night. He called and I was in a painful space, and we connected in such a wonderful way. I guess I was happy to have my old T back. I was so overcome that I told him I loved him (I'm super-reserved, so this was a shock to both of us), and he became very emotional and very appropriately expressed his feelings for me too. Everything melted, and I told him that I am so lost, unstable, such a mess, that I didn't want to think anymore and I wanted him to tell me what to do. I surrendered and feel better today. Last night was the last without horrible flashbacks since my travel and I attribute it totally to our connection.
I do feel emotionally battered, though, and he has taken away my easy option out of the pain. He was right, though, that if I persist through the pain, there is connection and healing on the other side. I just always lose sight of that.
poster:Aphrodite
thread:474232
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050315/msgs/474232.html