Posted by mmcconathy on March 10, 2005, at 20:18:55
Im in the world now, reality just slap me pretty hard, doing things seems im on autopilot, but lately ive realized where am i? how did i just go from being at home, to TREMEDOUS responsibility.
I dont feel this is real, i dont know what is happening, a very foggish feeling, i cant relate to anyone, i feel barreness.
I feel a very wierd sense of disconnection i cannot explain me.
I was delivering doctumenst to the court house for my dad's firm, i walked throught the hall ways, and felt this is all not here, deep thoughts came that im the only person existing. This is not real. I vage sense of barrenness, lifelessness, becuase of disconnection, i cant relate, i never had friends, i have temporary imaginary people, they are very normal, like ordinary people, jobs, they sit and tell me its all me, there here, they prey with me that it will go away.
I dont want to explain it becuase it may happen, when i was a kid, i didnt have friends, but i had fun with my mom, we watched movies, went to the movies, and i lived with my grandma, we had fun, but i realized how abnormal i was, while other guys my age where playing sports, going over to eachother's houses, i stayed in a dark house, build in the 1930's, near downtown Dalllas (tx) I lived where Oak Lawn is if anyone knows what part of town that is in.. I was a happy kid, i used to sit in the back yard and look at the big skyscrapers,streets and watch people, see clubs, lights, action, and see life exciting! but i realized, mama and grandma, this house, me, am not suppost to be like this, this is displaced. I grew older and lost support, my mom became unstable, becuase she didnt know how to cope with her problems, and i tried to do my work, she screamed always there was something wrong me, and always didnt let me do it. I didnt have any friends, later this is hit harder than belief, disconnected, how to simply talk to someone, go over to there house and have fun! i dont know how, i wanted friends! i was called queer, gay, everything, i could not take it anymore, me mama and grandma all were screwed up, that was not how life was suppost to be, i realize how isolated i was, i didnt realize it then, i was happy, i did things around the house, want to get in the attict, on the roof, want to fix the old air-conditioning system from 1945 work again.....hahha, OH MY GOD I CANT TAKE this! i hate who i am!
I ask my imaginary friend to switch with me, ritchy, god he even has last name, Lockhart, when i cant take what reality has come, he said he's considered it, but i dont know much from that, its just like sort of a egg sensation cracking on your head, then nothing..
I had to get this out before i have another breakdown....
But hope fully i will get back to what my dream was..
God Bless
Matt
poster:mmcconathy
thread:469440
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050305/msgs/469440.html