Posted by shrinking violet on February 15, 2005, at 18:01:28
I wish I knew what is wrong with me, and how to fix it. I went to session tonight and, again, I barely said two sentences the whole time. I was on the verge of tears, but couldn't even sob like I wanted to (at least it would have been *something*, maybe). I went in there with things I wanted to say and ask....nothing huge, but again, *something.* But I couldn't....As soon as I get there, it's like I go into a dark room and lock the door and close the blinds, put a large "do not disturb" sign on the doorknob and then huddle in a corner where nothing can reach me. Maybe nothing ever will....?
Why can't I just TALK? Why? Why? Why? I can write, I can write all day long, but I can't SAY anything. And she sits there, and tries to find things to say, and then she folds her arms (or visibly tries not to), and I'm thinking hateful things about myself, and yet I can't speak. How do I unlock this? I feel like I'm lost to myself....It's getting so painful and I don't know what to do. And my T and I have so little time left together, only a few months, and here I am still squandering it away.
I want to fix this so badly, but I don't know how. Why don't I know how?! :-( Please someone help me....
Oh, and to top it off, my T bought me a small pot of dandelions. She said she was in the grocery store the other day (on Valentine's Day, actually) and was thinking of me and bought them for me. But I couldn't take them....I couldn't say anything or react at all-- I couldn't tell her how touched I am over the gesture, I couldn't even thank her. I could only say that I didn't want them because I would kill them. She said they wouldn't last forever, but all I had to do was put them in a window and water them every day. I almost started to cry and told her Please, no, I can't. She said I wouldn't take something from someone who cares about me? I shook my head and bit my lip. Finally she said she understood, but she said it in a quiet, almost hurt way. Then I headed for the door, and she said "Hey, come here..." to give me an end-of-session hug which has somehow become the norm over the past month or so. Again I shook my head and opened the door and left. I then sobbed in the stairwell.
It hurts so much. And now I feel like I rejected her by rejecting the flower.
I don't know what to do....I can't even convey it all in writing. It just hurts.
:-(
poster:shrinking violet
thread:458364
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050211/msgs/458364.html