Posted by daisym on February 1, 2005, at 0:34:08
I'm venting --- maybe I'm whining ---maybe I'm just hurting...
I told my therapist today that I needed to stop regressing so much. That these childlike states were making life so much harder and I was acting out in ways that were frightening to me. Mostly it was about how much I needed him and how easily I tantrumed when I couldn't get from him what I wanted. I actually called this weekend and left a sobbing message and then called again and took it all back. I'm sure I just cemented his opinion that I'm turning into one of those "hard" clients.
His response was that he totally expected these feelings and behaviors to emerge right now. That wanting and needing him was OK, and an important part of my therapy. He said he could see that I was struggling with so many things and while he couldn't meet all my needs, he was "there" for me, as much as I needed him to be. And he was really OK with me being demanding and/or weepy but he knew *I* wasn't OK with being this way. And then he asked me if shutting it all down was what I *really* wanted...
I hate that question! How am I supposed to know right now what I *really* want? I want to feel confident and engaged in my work and I want to hide from it all in his office. I'm tired of being triggered off by everything and I want to shut down the persistent memories, yet I need to talk about what happened. I want to support the people who need me and I want everyone to just leave me alone. I'm completely conflicted about just about everything right now. Shutting down seems to be the only option that makes sense.
I don't know what to do. Can you turn off regression? Are there ways to quiet those inner voices? I'm open to suggestions. My therapist's suggested solution is to sink into these needs and give time to each voice in therapy to talk. He believes it will take time but eventually, as each age state tells her story and gets her needs met, things will quiet down and the intensity and feelings of overwhelm will lessen. It is hard to trust that solution when it almost feels like this will allow things to just get more out of hand.
Even Cream of Wheat isn't working right now. :( In the middle of the night I think I just can't take much more of this, that I never expected my life to turn into what feels like an abyss. Parts of me just want to lay down and never get up again. I hate being alone with these thoughts.
Thank you for letting me vent and whine.
poster:daisym
thread:450872
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050129/msgs/450872.html