Posted by Camille Dumont on December 26, 2004, at 22:10:08
In reply to Sorta..., posted by Dinah on December 26, 2004, at 13:19:39
> The only personality disorders I've been diagnosed with are schizoid and schizotypal - different pdocs. My personality testing came out consistent with schizotypal.
>
> It sounds as if you're comfortable with who you are. Are you happy? If you are, it's definitely more a type than a disorder. Disorders are for when it's causing you distress.Yes and no. It depends. I mean I am happiest when I am alone, by myself. I would have made a good hermit or monk I guess. But it is difficult to live as an SPD because society always projects the idea that a "good" person must be a) introverted and b) social ... so jobs can be difficult. I'm lucky I have a low interaction job.
But I guess i'm at peace with it now. Its me its how I am and will most likely never change. Unless I accept it, I'm fighting a losing battle and therefore bound for deception. Thats when the suicide urges become strong ... the feeling of being fake and inauthentic and really nothing more than a fraud does being on very strong self-destructive urges.
But now I try to see it as just who I am and not to fight it but rather to adjust my life according to who I really am, even though psychiatrists think its "pathological", "maladaptive" and what not. The more I accept it, the less depressive I become ... so perhaps its a process of seeing it as a disroder or flaw to seeing it as something that you are and then making life changes to accomodate it.
> I definitely find that social situations are incredibly draining and I find renewal in alone time. And I always feel a bit out of step with the rest of the world. But that only bothers me sometimes. Other times I'm ok with it.
>
For me its kind of like some sort of virus. I find myself running from others ... runing from their interference in my life ... especially family members who seem to think that its "abnormal" that I don't call every damned week. Whereas I would be fine and dandy talking to them once a year ... even that, I don't need. I know that they exist and it is all that I need and want.I don't think that I don't care ... I think its just that I don't need the proximity or the constant reminder that they exist. I'm a self-contained system who works best with minimal outside interference.
If the interactions are "formal" like giving a presentationa or a meeting of sorts, then I can prepare and be familiar with the discussions in advance, then its ok, its when the social networking starts that I feel really bad. I feel like an alien in that I don't understand all those social rituals and they seem like a total waste of time to me.
Therefore I imitate others ... its my way of coping. I play a role, that of a "normal" person. But its always fake, mechanical, empty, fraudulent.
It often makes me feel like a paper maché sculpture ... all the layers of paper that are me are just the expectations of others but if you peel them away, you find a great big void. As if I am nothing beyond a fake image I put up for others.
> Still... my happiest times were those rare and treasured periods in my life when I felt like I belonged. So maybe I'm not *really* schizoid at all.
For me happy times are when I am trully myself and I am only that when I'm alone ... or maybe my s.o. ... he's very understanding and respectfull of what I want and need. Can't say i've ever "belonged" much ... or perhaps I only belong to my little clan of one human and a few rats.
H.
poster:Camille Dumont
thread:434029
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041218/msgs/434488.html