Posted by messadivoce on December 14, 2004, at 1:20:44
Okay people, my new T suggested that I write a letter to my old T and tell him all the things I wish I could say. She's all about stating your truth and that there's freedom in that. I may agree. I've been resistant to this idea for a long time, but I recently composed a letter to him and now I'm re-reading it and worrying that it's too raw and emotional. Should I wait til I'm more logical? (It's been 7 months. Am I ever going to GET more logical?) What follows is the most emotional part of my letter to him.
"Your leaving was one of the most difficult things I have ever experienced. I was prepared, but not enough. It was like losing my father’s affection all over again. I think both of us were wishfully thinking when we concluded that I was ready to terminate. I wasn’t. I have felt stuck in that spot for a long time.
You know that I had very strong feelings of attraction, dependency and affection towards you. A great deal of it was transference. There wasn’t enough time to work through it. I think I started to see the way out a few months before we terminated. But I regressed and you weren’t there to see me through.
It angers me sometimes that you allowed me to become attached to you and yes, to love you, and then left me before I was ready to let you go. It seems cruel sometimes. I know you didn’t mean it to be like that. I know you wanted the best things for me. But this is what I was left with.
I have missed you. I have longed for you, wanted you desperately, been angry, resentful and hopeful at intervals. I have worked myself to death wishing to forget the whole thing. I have tried to drown it all in social activities, in margaritas, in too many class units and hours of practicing. I have thought of you every day and dreamed of you at night. I have finally cried for you."
poster:messadivoce
thread:429277
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041210/msgs/429277.html