Posted by lifeworthliving on October 14, 2004, at 23:51:22
yesterday i went to therapy when i didnt want to. i think it must have been some kind of process outside of my awareness to avoid what was coming... i was more nervous than usual, and noticed i had butterflies the day before. i thought often of quitting in the last two years but never that i could really do it... this past week i thought i could. make a getaway and not hurt too much. i love my therapist and always have. i often thought i went to counseling only
to be with her... the suffering was the price i had to pay for this relationship. i can say that i've got a life worth living now but i know somewhere that i'm not done. i think my therapist would agree with me... my therapy has been
productive and meaningful. i've had the impression lately (and maybe she has said)that i shouldn't fight it anymore, that it was ok to sob. i spring a slow kinda of leak each week that i can only describe as dignified sort of crying. i used to find it horrifying that i would do this twice a week and not very often know why i was crying but i got used to it and figured it'd all come out that way... slow and dignified. but then the funny breathing started. i would think i had somehow made myself do it and that i wasn't going to do that anymore but the breathing would get a little stronger and harder to control with every appt in the last month or maybe two. yesterday i wanted to lay down (my usual mo when i get uncomfortable) and she said no, not now. shortly after that i was possessed by something out of my control and i started yelling for her to help me. it was terrifying and satisfying all at once but it did scare the doo doo out of me and i was
afraid. i couldn't believe i was hearing my own voice call out for help like that. "oh my god, you have to help me, make it stop" kind of stuff. it was horrible to endure, i can't imagine having to watch. i really couldn't help it, it had to come out, does that make sense? when it stopped it was because enough had been let out and i could control it again... it felt something like that. i could breath it off and stay on top.
poster:lifeworthliving
thread:403204
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041002/msgs/403204.html