Posted by Aphrodite on October 5, 2004, at 10:23:19
My T came back from vacation, and we had our first visit yesterday. I think I did really well while he was gone because I knew he was not there, so I had to be strong. I think I got too strong. Old defenses came back, and it was easy to tell myself I am too busy for therapy and that I don't really need it because I function so well in the "real world."
So, the meeting was awkward. He tried to dive right back in to the hard stuff, but I resisted. He seemed frustrated but understanding. He asked a lot of questions I just wouldn't answer; there was a block I just couldn't put my finger on.
So, last night, I tried to journal about it. I think the block is that before he left, he told me that he meets with a group of colleagues and discusses my "case." Also, for the emergency contact when he was gone, he left me *his* T's number because "she knows a lot about you."
I am a very reserved and private person. (I talk a lot and am outgoing, but I don't *say* anything -- I'm just very guarded.) I think I'm afraid of what I do/say that is discussed with this people. It's clear that at least his T knows my name because he told me. Can he do that? It's OK, but he didn't ask. He was just trying to prepare her in case I called. I'm not so paranoid to think that he complains or is in anyway unkind about me, but I obviously concern/trigger him to the point where he is going to various sources of outside help.
I'm glad he takes care of himself. Really, I am. I know my case is challenging. However, it no longer feels safe to tell him anything for two reasons: 1) I'm a caretaker, and I'm not sure what it is about me that upsets him, so I freeze. 2) It took so long opening to this *one* person, but now I filter knowing that the information may go to several.
Would it be horrible if I asked him, in general, what is said about me? I guess I want to know if it is in the area of here's-a-case-what-would-you-do-for-her or if it's more personal in that he has a lot of counter-transference issues. I guess it's none of my business, but it is a block.
Any thoughts?
poster:Aphrodite
thread:399126
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041002/msgs/399126.html