Posted by Daisym on October 2, 2004, at 13:47:44
In reply to Trust, Feeling Safe Other Things That Elude Me, posted by Poet on October 2, 2004, at 12:19:08
(((Poet)))
You aren't alone. You can't force trust or feeling (sorry) safe. Those old protecters, those walls, are powerful and were really valuable to you during the traumatic moments. "They" kept you safe, and at the time, were the only thing that did. So, you can't label these defenses as all bad and you certainly can't shove them, wish them, away, even when your intellect is telling you that you HAVE to let someone help you.
I'm sure you've already thought of some of this but I'm going to ask anyway. What are you afraid will happen if you "tell"? I think your idea of writing it down and then ripping it up in front of you is a good one. It sounds like part of the conflict is wanting someone to know, but not wanting anyone else to know. This is important and a huge wall to get over.
When I was really suicidal for a while after telling about the csa for the first time, we did an exercise to clarify why I wanted to die, and who was I really wanting dead. We identified the "good" parts of me and the "bad" parts of me, under categories like "mother -- I'm a good mother, so she can live, daughter -- I'm a bad daughter, because I'm not as successful as she wants me to be, so she can die." It was a really brutal, painful exercise but I allowed it to be in the abstract so I could talk about myself in parts. What I discovered in doing this were two things -- the parts I was willing to allow to live were important to the people I loved the most, which is a powerful reason to keep trying. The parts I wanted to die were mostly the younger parts of myself who were traumatized and in so much pain. Their pain was unbearable. It was at this point that we really started working on their pain, soothing them, so that "I" could function.
Now, when I feel suicidal, we quickly go to that discussion of who is in pain and what can we do to soothe that person. It did me no good to have people tell me I was a good person, or that these thoughts were a cry for help, or that I had to let my therapist help me. Because the "me" that was discussing the suicidal thoughts, wasn't the "me" that was in pain and wanted to die. I don't know if this makes any sense at all.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that the "you" who can't trust isn't the "you" who knows, intellectually, that this is the road to feeling better. So if you let the traumatized part of you talk, even on paper, with her own rules, you might find out what she needs.
It is scary and the weirdest thing I've ever done in my whole life. Allowing myself to be in actual different age states. But it might work. And if you are 50% of the way there...then there is SOME trust built up. Try to look at it that way, the distance covered, not the distance left. Do what you can, stop beating yourself up for what you can't do. Showing up to therapy sessions, promising to stay safe (OK, scream), being honest with your pdoc, THESE ARE HUGE, IMPORTANT THINGS. Good for you!
Take it slow. Post a lot. I'm working on a grant so I'm on the computer all weekend. I'll check in a lot.
You aren't alone. You are important to me and others here too. Trust that.
(((Poet)))
poster:Daisym
thread:398271
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041002/msgs/398294.html