Posted by mair on August 17, 2004, at 16:23:16
My therapist was back today before heading off on another vacation which when it's placed beside my own vacation, will have me not seeing her for another couple of weeks.
We talked about this perennial work issue I have that at times looms larger than at others.
When I was at a particularly low point several years ago, I agreed to a different form of compensation which placed me pretty far down the totem pole, in terms of income. I did it because I felt guilty about my poor ability to function. As things have developed, the inequality of my compensation has gotten far worse and when I think about it, I can get pretty angry. It's triggered any number of somewhat major, but blessedly fairly short, depression episodes. I have alot of problems with trying to rectify it, particularly since I'm such a poor advocate for myself and half the time don't think I'm worth much anyway. Lately, it's become a big issue with me again largely because I have a kid in college and need to make more than I am, and because I've been working so hard lately and under so much stress.
My T is absolutely convinced that I have to address this issue with my colleagues, but she thinks a major problem might be how I respond if I'm unsatisfied with the response I get. It's pretty easy for me to see myself as feeling devastated and even more unappreciated and undervalued.
So today, my T is talking about how this really needs to be our focus for awhile, and how there's alot to process before I can feel ok, regardless of the response I get. I think this just means accepting that rejection says more about them than it does me.
While she's going on about all the processing we need to do, I realized that the thought of all that processing seems worse than just confronting the issue head on.
I have such a difficult time in therapy talking about things that are uncomfortable and ever finding the right words, that I might actually precipitously take an action to avoid having to talk about it first.
Mair
poster:mair
thread:378814
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040812/msgs/378814.html