Posted by Racer on July 30, 2004, at 17:18:12
In reply to Re: Ugh.. group-free backlash, posted by tabitha on July 30, 2004, at 14:20:03
I'm going to stick in my two cents worth, though, because I like seeing my name up here :-D
OK, it's really because what you're going through sounds so much like what I just went through, so it's triggering a lot of the same things for me.
Anyway, Dinah's advice sounds an awful lot like what I would suggest. I won't bother to add to it, beyond saying that I like JenStar's idea to take a list along with you to the session, so that you can refer to it if you feel flustered.
The only original suggestion I have is whether there's any room for negotiation with your T about this? Can you ask her if you can go to one (or two, or even three) additional sessions to provide some sort of "closure" to the other members of the group? (And for you, for that matter.) Can you negotiate along the lines of "You know, in business, giving notice is a professional courtesy -- although by no means a legally mandated one -- and it is generally accepted that two weeks is a reasonable expectation. I don't feel comfortable agreeing to six more weeks of this, but I am willing to commit to giving two weeks notice. What will it take to make that acceptable to you?"
Another thought, somewhere between a question and a suggestion: can you confront some of the things your therapist points out to you that you don't agree with? Not arguing, just saying something like, "That's one theory, but this is the way I see it -- and I think my view is valid." Now, that may bring down a fair amount of "OH NO IT IS NOT VALID!" on you, but -- this is only the opinion of one person suffering from a serious mental illness -- I think that would be a healthy response. (Maybe because I just did it myself in my last session... And my bright shiny new therapist agreed with me, once I clarified what I meant a tiny bit.)
Personally, although I certainly wouldn't recommend this, the question I'd be asking at this point in a similar situation is more along the lines of, "Why are you so personally invested in my remaining in this group? What need is my being in this group satisfying for you that you can't seem to meet any other way?" Again, that's something I'd recommend against, because it's not something that's going to get you anything positive, but it's the thought that keeps coming into my mind when I read about your situation. (And, frankly, it's only coming into my mind because I think you've handled everything else so well up to this point, only to meet such unwavering opposition. Once I try all the healthy, positive things, I do tend to fall back on a certain kind of aggression. I'm nice to people because I *choose* to be nice -- but it doesn't mean that I'm nice to them because I'm incapable of any other mode.)
Let me tell you something about my experience, in hopes it will help you. You know that I had a few years of therapy with a wonderful therapist many years ago. It ended for a number of reasons, one of which was a conflict over medications -- she said that meds were another way of hiding from my problems, rather than a useful tool -- but one reason really was that we'd done pretty much all we could do together. I've run into this with students, too: they'll get to the point I have to tell them that I can't take them any farther. That's so hard to do, and I don't always do it well -- remember, I always adored my students -- but sometimes it's just the truth. I'm very good within my limitations, and telling someone that I can't do any more doesn't diminish that. In the case of my former therapist, she was WONDERFUL -- and we hit her boundary with me. It doesn't mean that what we accomplished was any less real or valuable, it just means that we got to the point of diminishing returns. I still think she was great. Period. Moving on when it's appropriate is hard, but sometimes it's the healthiest thing to do.
You know that I finally managed to quit therapy at the Agency That Hasn't Worked Real Well For Me, so let me tell you a bit about how I experienced it emotionally. First of all, I didn't have the long history with them that you have with your T, so there's not a direct parallel. What I did have, though, was an unfortunate combination of *really* wanting therapy, and an overwhelming dread of being seen as a quitter. Made it hard as [that place] to quit. During the time I was there, though, I was told repeatedly that I wasn't willing to work, and that's why it was so dreadful for me. (Gotta love that logic, huh? Trust me, there's no way to win against it.) Now, with my fear of being or seeming a quitter, you can probably understand how that affected me, right?
Once I finally made the move though, it didn't take all that long to start to recover from the experience. (Of course, I also had a heck of a lot of structural support: my husband and I were doing so much better, our marriage counselor was a rock, our MC had already found me a new therapist, I had all of you here, and I had reached out to some old friends. That makes such a difference: even at the worst moments on the worst days, I don't feel so utterly alone.) I thought I'd need at least a month to start therapy again, that I'd have trouble opening my mouth, etc. Nope. Not only did I call to move up the first appointment by three weeks, but I managed to get through all the crud before that first appointment - the doubts and dreads, which were pretty daunting. That first session was frightening, and I know I was hypervigilant, but I did it -- and when it was over, I felt good about it. Scared, shaken, but good. Now, while it's still new and scary, it's still good and getting better.
For me, quitting was the best thing I could possibly have done for myself -- it provided more relief from the depression, the anxiety, the absolute hysterics, and the overwhelming lack of self-confidence. I don't know how much to attribute to the fact that I *made a decision and acted on it* and how much is simply getting out of what had become a poisonous environment. It is a combination of the two, but I don't know which predominates.
I know you don't want to change therapists, Tabitha, and I'm not suggesting that you do. What I am telling you is that sometimes making a decision and acting on it is empowering; and that, if you do ultimately change therapists, it won't mean that you "wasted time" with this one.
I'm sorry this is still going on, Tabs. I hope it gets better soon.
poster:Racer
thread:371475
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040728/msgs/372459.html