Posted by B2chica on July 30, 2004, at 16:16:33
In reply to Re: if the bridge leads to slaughter do you still » B2chica, posted by AuntieMel on July 30, 2004, at 15:28:16
AuntieMel, your post has me in tears.
no one in my family or his has ANY idea of what is inside, nor do i plan to have them know. (at least that's the place i'm at in my life right now.)
And i am Definately a "they'll never see me cry" person, but i think i learned that growing up. "it doesn't do me a d@mn bit of good to be a cry baby." besides, my cry's have never been heard anyway.>>It was the only way to not completely collapse.
BINGO>>I did eventually let my husband in. Gradually. As I felt trust that it stayed home, I told more. And now he knows just about everything about me, which helps him understand.
My God, how i ache for this. I am So Glad you have this. and maybe...maybe in time...
>>It sounds like you want to let him in, but are too scared.-i do, i truly do. scared from being burned.
>>Can you tell him that?
-i have>>And can you explain that you want it to not leave your house? If so, maybe you can start sharing, starting with the least important bits to test the waters and over time work up.
-and herein lies the problem. we have been married for almost 7 years now. i trusted him completely up until the year after we were married. When i found out about who his true other partner was...(his mother). he tells her everything. Yes i love her dearly she is a wonderful woman. But anything i've ever told him goes straight to her. Believe me, i ache to trust him again and i "test the waters" every year, and each time i find out it's gone. he tells, he always tells.
and yes i feel HORRIBLE, i feel like a sneaky manipulative person for "testing" the way i do but i have to. and each time i'm proven right. There will never be anything that i tell him that she won't know.
The thing is, i adore her and actually wouldn't mind her knowing some of my issues, but i want her knowing to be MY choice, not his. So basically now i edit what i tell him and i assure him that it's ok that he tells his mom.
but i'm very burned by the fact that he can't keep his mouth closed, that he betray's my trust and shows no respect to my wishes.
i'm just so sick of trying. i feel like that's all i ever do anymore. i test, he fails, i hurt.
i hurt and it's my fault, he hurts and it's my fault, our marriage hurts and i feel like it's my fault cuz i'm the one not "compromising" (aka: giving in).
i think i'm just venting now.>>I know it feels good to me to have someone to give me a hug when I feel bad.
-Whenever it seems i need hugs most, it is from here PB that i can get them. when i "need" them he pushes me away.
when i don't however i get them.i hated bringing this topic up here cuz i love my husband intensly and i didn't want alot of people calling on his faults. yes he lived a VERY sheltered life and knows NOTHING of the bad things in life. he is the youngest of his siblings and he can be childish and yes he doesn't respect my wishes, but mostly cuz he's stubborn, he doesn't intentionally hurt me. But he does love me, i know that. without a doubt.
yes we have a lot to work on...but sometimes i just struggle and need to let it out.thank you so much AuntieMel for your great words.
b2c.
poster:B2chica
thread:372402
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040728/msgs/372441.html