Posted by Racer on June 16, 2004, at 12:49:35
In reply to Any amateur therps wanna take this on?, posted by Racer on June 12, 2004, at 14:33:53
Well, when I got to the clinic yesterday, the gal at the front desk told me that the doctor had called to say that, when I showed up, I was to be told to come back next month.
So, it really didn't matter much what I could have or would have said, after all.
Since the county hospital -- aside from being notoriously monstrous -- would not provide anything beyond meds -- if they provided meds at all, since a doctor contracted through the county is already prescribing for me -- if they even admitted me in the first place, since I'm still at the "I'm trying to find alternatives to suicide" stage rather than actively suicidal. I can't see much point in going there at all right now, you know?
The worst of it right now is that I've just started working with a new therapist. I do have more trust in her than in any of the therapists at the same agency with this doctor, but the way I've been feeling since being turned away yesterday is pretty much a "why bother talking" reaction. It doesn't seem worth telling her about how I feel, since there's nothing she can do about it, and I'm still afraid that no one will believe me. I'm afraid that there's no point in therapy until I can get the worst of the painful misery over with and can then be able to express my feelings. I don't want to burden the new therapist with how miserable I feel, especially since she really can't arrange to have me hospitalized.
Oh, our marriage counselor spoke with the doctor last week. She asked what they needed to do to have me hospitalized. He said to call someone else in his agency. What the marriage counselor doesn't know that I do know, and she won't believe unless she hears it for herself, is that he's not talking about a hospital, he's talking about the 'residential crisis unit' run by his agency. After all that I've experienced with this agency so far, can anyone tell me WHY I would trust them to do anything positive for me in a situation where they had absolute control over me twenty four hours per day?
Now, I'm terrified that this is all just total distortion on my part -- because every time I tried to say any of what I was feeling to any of the therapists there that's what they told me, as did the administrator I spoke with trying to get reassigned to a new case manager -- and that maybe I really do need them to totally realign my entire personality and thinking patterns. You wanna know how totally f****d up I am though? I don't think that would be an improvement for me. I really do think that *they're* the problem. That's obviously pretty psychotic of me, don't you think?
I feel trapped. I know that help exists. That part isn't distorted. I know that help exists, elements that would help me, personally. That, in theory, is hope. I know that I don't have any alternative for access to this theoretical help. That's not distortion, either, because both my husband and I have looked for it. I even called the county, to ask what I would have to do in order to get out of this agency and into some other treatment program they contract with. The answer? This agency has to call the county and say that they are unable to provide appropriate services for me. (Another example of my severe cognitive impairment caused by psychopathology: that sounds to me like hiring a hungry fox as head of security for a henhouse.) So, help exists, I just can't have it. And I feel trapped.
I told my husband last night that I wish they had just let me die last year, rather than forcing me into this sort of torture for so long. I do. It is a betrayal: they promised to provide treatment that would help me.
Right now, on my mood scale, I'm slipping down from my "recognize that I don't actually want to die, but unable to continue suffering so much pain." I'm not at the next step yet, but I know that it's too close for comfort. Please, everyone, let's pick a time for us all to put our good thoughts and intentions together and send them out to the universe in hopes of something changing to bring that little feather of hope back to me.
Thank you for reading, and caring.
poster:Racer
thread:356092
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040614/msgs/357271.html