Posted by Angel Girl on May 14, 2004, at 14:23:45
In reply to Re: Your son... » Angel Girl, posted by B2chica on May 13, 2004, at 10:29:26
> Sorry so long.
>
>
> > Yes, I do outwardly express my feelings but only to those I know can handle it.
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> -we all do this no matter what problems or concerns we have, people don't like rejection so they test to be safe.
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> >When I tell my net friends, they flee as fast as they can. I don't have any friends here, just the ones on the net and now I think they have all abandoned me too. I always do something to screw up relationships. I can't see to manage them. It's never their fault, always mine but I keep doing the same stupid things that turn them off.
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> -if they flee at all, then they weren't ever real friends and right now in your life you don't need that. and for the record, i may only post once in a while but i will not abandoned you. after reading this reply it seems we have a lot more in common than you'd know.
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> -You may think you screw things up but maybe what you are doing is testing that relationship-and choosing to force them away so that you "dump them" before they can hurt you.
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> > The mood stablizers I'm on have kept me alive. I'm not sure I should be really grateful for that because I'm certainly not happy by any stretch of the imagination.
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> -fyi, if i understand this correctly the mood stabilizers actually affect the synapses(electrical current) not the chemical imbalance, so you will need both a mood stabilizer as well as and AD. i'm using trileptal (MS) and WellbutrinXL (AD) along with some others but this combo has Really made a HUGE difference in my life.
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> > My son and his girlfriend came to visit me several days ago and were appalled on the condition of my apartment.
> -first of all, i think Anyone who has depression has delt with this issue, you're lucky if you can get out of bed let alone pick up anything or clean anything. 2ndly, it's not anyone's place to judge how you live...i think your son i just concerned like you mention about the amount of drugs you're on and that he sees no improvement.
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> >He has decided to go to my pdoc appt with me tomorrow to question my meds and progress, or lack thereof.
> -What a wonderful son. This shows he cares and that he's not just critisizing.
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> > My GP doesn't seem to know of a therapist to send me to and I haven't asked my pdoc yet. I will tomorrow.
> -This is a Very good start! it sounds like your son would jump on the bandwagon to help out here too if you asked.
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> > I do believe that God places each of us...I just can't imagine why he would want me to go through this or anybody else for that matter.
> -Who says God WANTS you to go through this? I may be wrong, but i've always believed that God knows everything that we will experience in our lifetime but because we all have free will, life just happens. I think of God as someone who made the "foundation" of us, made the building blocks of our life but didn't lay out the road.
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> >I have gone through some pretty bad times in my life, including rape, sexual molestation and the law as well as numerous times of being depressed but none have taken a hold on me as much as this one. I can't seem to shake this one off for some reason.
> -it's because it is a Physiological issue, something you cannot control or "shake off".
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> >i told my pdoc I'm not sure she is the right person for me either so I'm glad my son is coming with me tomorrow. I'd like to get his take on it.
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> -see, you have a plan. and your son is right there walking with you, by your side. You have someone that loves you obviously through it all, good and bad. Hang on to that.
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> > I don't see how I bring anything to this board except my depression...
> -just so you know, people don't typically come here because they just won the lottery. At one time or another we all have felt depression or anxiety or mania or voices...etc.
> That's what makes babble So Great! people here understand.
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> >...which nobody needs to really read about. I don't want to bring others down to my level when they are dealing with their own demons.
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> -don't make that call. What's great about a discussion board is people won't read what they don't want to and no one knows the difference. And don't assume that your emotional experience is bringing others down, in fact. i come here (as i'm sure do others) to read to find someone that is experiencing something similar to what i'm feeling. Therefore you exact expressions may make someone feel just a little less alone in this world, just a little more accepted, just a little more loved, or just a little less like an "unwanted".
> True, we all have our demons to deal with,but that's why we're all here, we are helping each other bit by bit, to deal, to cope, to fight, and to hang on.
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> >Is it too much to ask to have a happy life?
> -NEVER!!!!! You Desever it Just as Everyone does! Never doubt that!
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> >>And then when I talk about my problems to my net 'friends' they tell me that there is far more people a lot worse in the world ie: those suffering from cancer, etc. That only makes me feel even more guilty and unworthy and alone.
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> -boy, again this is major commonality, i'm in the process of trying to express this to my therapist but can't seem to say it. I'm trying to deal with some past issues, (even a few you've mentioned). but when i think of mine, i remember when i was in the hospital and one of the people i met was repeatedly raped by her own father for years, one woman had been raped and sodomized and was dealing with what was probably terminal cancer, and one other was a young man MAYBE 20 that had been molested and sodomized several times growing up.
> When i think of them i can't help but think How Selfish i am to think my problems are ANYTHING compared to those, that i'm selfish, overly dramatic, attention seeking, useless, worthless, and shamful for even wanting to talk about my SO CALLED (pathetic excuse for) PROBLEMS.
> i don't have a lot of great advice here cuz i'm going through this too, but one comment my T made was that it won't do me any good to compare my "problems" to others because i'm not them. i have no right to compare, one way or another. That these are MY problems and that's what makes the difference. Even if they are infact small problems they are still mine and they still need to be delt with.
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> I hope that in even a little way what i've written to you will get across that I do care, and that I (though may not mean much) think you are important and worthwhile. Just get out there are start asking questions. And Please, hold on to that wonderful son of yours (though i don't think i need to tell you that).
>
> Best of luck Angel Girl
>
> -B2c.
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>
B2cWOW!!! You're so right, we do think very much alike. You think exactly like I do. It's good to know I'm not alone, not that I wish this hell on somebody else, but you know what I mean.
When you say that I'm forcing my friends away so that I can do that before they can do it first, that is so me. I really have abandonment issues and I'm so afraid that everyone is going to do it and they all say they would never do it, but it always happens none the same. But you're right, I create the situation to force them to leave me before they do it on their own. However, it doesn't make the abandonment any easier on me, it just reinforces that nobody will stick it out with me through thick and thin like I think all REAL friendships should be. As you said, any true friendship will stick with you through the good AND the bad, if not, then were they really a friend to begin with? I guess not, but it still hurts. I'm EXTREMELY self sabotaging in all areas of my life. The things I claim I want the most in life, I sabatoge with my own behavior, knowing full well that I'm doing it. That in itself is sick and goes along with my abandonment issues.
I am taking an AD, Effexor XR 187.5mg daily. One of my mood stabilizers is Lamictal, which is supposed to control more so depression than mania but neither seem to be enough. On a scale of 1 - 10 my depression doesn't seem to ever go above a 2 and most times, like now it sits at 1. I have been extremely suicidal in the past but I'm not now but the thought of death does cross my mind a lot but not strongly enough for me to act on it.
I agree wholeheartedly, I come here because there are others that are going through the same as I am so that I don't feel alone in my problems and I feel safe here, unlike other message boards where I run into relationship problems. My family is urging me strongly to stay away from any message boards except for Dr Bob's where maybe I can get some advice and support as you are giving me because this is the only place where others understand each other's pain even if it isn't exactly the same. We don't judge each other here, like is done on other message boards.
You're also right about my son. He sees me taking numerous psych meds and sees absolutely no improvement in the last 2 years except for the side effects that are apparent to everyone. He wants to see me get better and he feels I'm not, and he's right.
I agree with what you are saying about God but to my knowledge isn't BPII a chemical imbalance that we are born with? If so, then this is the way he created me.
<quote>
> When i think of them i can't help but think How Selfish i am to think my problems are ANYTHING compared to those, that i'm selfish, overly dramatic, attention seeking, useless, worthless, and shamful for even wanting to talk about my SO CALLED (pathetic excuse for) PROBLEMS. <end quote>EXACTLY how I feel. But I guess your T is right. Whatever our problems are no matter how minute, they are still our problems and they affect us so they need to be dealt with. Although I agree totally with that, I still feel the guilt. I can't help but to feel like my problems are so small compared to what others have dealt with. It's an issue with me and of course, others that I have met on the net outside of this message board drive that home with me all the time.
It makes me feel more comfortable that you say you won't abandon me and that I am important and worthwhile. I do empathize with everyone who posts here and I feel their pain as if it is mine and even if just telling them I understand helps them then it makes me feel good because sometimes that's all we need, somebody who understands us and can give us a hug even if it is a cyber hug. I strongly believe that unless you're experiencing any kind of mental disorder, you truly can't understand what the person is going through no matter how hard you try. I understand the pain of the other posters here as I'm sure all of us do. That's very comforting in itself. It helps to feel that you're not all alone in the world.
Thank you for replying me. It means the world to me. I'm going to send you a cyber hug and hope that you can feel it.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{b2c}}}}}}}}}}}
Angel Girl
poster:Angel Girl
thread:344489
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040512/msgs/346848.html