Posted by finelinebob on May 7, 2004, at 5:06:44
In reply to Getting worse before getting better in therapy, posted by tinydancer on May 4, 2004, at 11:42:48
Just because it feels bad or hurts, don't give in to thinking that things are getting worse!
Maybe this metaphor works, maybe it doesn't: do you know how the body builds stronger muscles? You overstress them, you create small rips and tears, and the body responds by rebuilding and augmenting that muscle tissue.
Now, you start talking about some time you got psychically ripped. Too much stress, too little support -- damage you couldn't repair. But you survived it. Maybe not all that well, but you're here now and capable of taking that stress on. You're here-now, not there-then; you know more now, you have support now, and you should realize that you did survive this before with nowhere near the help you have here-now to face it again.
Some wounds need to be reopened before they can heal. But that pain can be a sign that you are on the road to a better place.
My therapist, when she'd helped one of her clients to a place like this, would take some extra time or ask us to stay in her outer office for a few minutes -- not so that we could compose ourselves as much as to not try to shrug these moments off. To acknowledge them for what they are, take a deep breath, then acknowledge ourselves as having survived, having passed through, and having had a chance to learn.
Once, I dredged up this deep-seated anger I had about something that began when I was only eight -- a failure I couldn't escape and I had cursed God for it, daring God to step into my shoes and try to do any better. It was extremely painful to feel that sense of failure -- but my therapist encouraged me to hold onto it. A few minutes in the outer office weren't enough ... I carried it with me to the subway. So, there I am on the uptown C, angry as hell and hurting 30+ years of hurt, when up pops what on my iPod's random playlist? Kate Bush singing, "If I only could I'd make a deal with God and I'd get him to swap our places". Well, after some spasms of laughter, it finally hit me: if God had been in my place, God probably wouldn't have done any better or worse than the 8 year old I was at the time did. And I finally was able to forgive myself for that failure, and I cried my eyes out all the way to 168th Street.
I don't think I would have found that forgiveness if I was afraid to sink into that pain -- to get to know it for what it was and to see how far I'd come from it. To know I survived it then and, given all I have now just how much I can kick its @ss into submission.
Maybe you've gone through something similar, but I've found that I've gone through four different phases -- so far! -- in my therapy:
(1) You talk about what you want to talk about.
(2) You talk about what you need to talk about.
(3) You talk about the things you DON'T want to talk about.
(4) You talk about the things you never before would have admitted even existed, and your mind does everything it can to keep you from remembering.If that makes sense, then recognize this: the further along you are, the greater the pain you experienced to put those memories where they are. That you can step into that pain once again is a sign of strength, of healing, of trust and of growth.
my $.02, flb
poster:finelinebob
thread:343209
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040503/msgs/344298.html