Posted by fallsfall on April 26, 2004, at 8:51:16
In reply to Friday's session ( Am I transfering too?), posted by shadows721 on April 25, 2004, at 23:00:34
Ah, yes, that is the question. You only hear my side, so it is tainted by my filters. So I think that you would see it the way I see it (which is through transference) - and if you would tend to the same type of transference, you would be in trouble!
There are things about his style that I wish were different. But there are also things about his style that I really like. And I do think that we continually make progress - painful, difficult progress, but progress none the less.
I could tell him what I don't like, what would make it easier for me. But he is adamant that he isn't going to change his style just because I'm supersensitive to criticism (which I am). But he also *has* started to qualify and explain his "critical" statements so that I won't hear them as so critical. I.e. "You need to talk more about feelings, which I know you have been doing" or "I'm not criticizing you, I think that you are feeling criticized [yes], but I am not criticizing you".
I think that he wasn't expecting the degree of pain and anger and frustration that I had on Friday. I feel like things got a little out of hand and he ended up reacting - where usually he is more in control of where we are going. And there was added pressure that I needed to function this weekend, and that he had cancelled the session on Monday. I'm hoping that he has pulled things together in his mind now, and that today's session will bring my emotions clearer into focus and provide some containment for them.
It is interesting to me that as much as I will complain about things that he does, I find it very hard to hear other people criticize him. I do tell him when he does things that I really don't like - he tends to be fairly defensive, but then does make subtle changes that show that he has heard me. I know he isn't perfect, but I still feel like I *need* him to be perfect. If he isn't at least awesomely good, then I am doomed to be depressed forever. I do realize that that is extreme. When I criticize him I can rationalize that I see him with my transferenced eyes. When others criticize him, I'm terrified that they are right. Babble helped me see that my old therapist wasn't helping me, and that was so extremely painful. I really don't want to do that again. And this guy really is helping me. Maybe this is how I learn to accept that he is grey - not perfect but not awful. I am trying to be more open to hearing criticism of him, but when I am in lots of pain I just don't seem to have the strength to hear it. I want to say that I want Babble to criticize him when it is warranted, but to understand that I may defend him or ignore the criticism because *I'm* not ready to hear it. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't *say* it. [Except for Dinah - your insight and opinion is so important to me that I'm still not ready to hear you criticize him. The stakes are too high with you. I think that I can't bear to be forced to choose between the two of you. Why do I feel that I would have to choose? Maybe because my world is still too black and white - I can't tolerate the ambiguity.]
Thanks for helping me to think about this.
poster:fallsfall
thread:338953
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040426/msgs/340124.html