Posted by emmaley on April 22, 2004, at 15:52:37
In reply to Re: So much to do...... » emmaley, posted by Penny on April 22, 2004, at 14:57:24
Thanks for the kind words. I really took comfort in that.
I am not on meds, and have been thinking about perhaps giving it a try, but never followed up because of money and time constraints. I think I am going to look into it in June if I don't feel any better after the end of the semester....
I am terminating therapy because, honestly, I feel like my work with my therapist is done. I feel like I still have work that I want to do, but I am not sure if he is the person to do it with. I voiced my concerns to him a few months back, and his reply since then has been, "You know, if you say that to me a year ago, I will probably say stay, don't go, but, I feel like you are ready, too." I took that as his agreeing with me even though his reasons seem to to be different from mine. (Or actually, I still don't know why he agrees. It seems that he thinks I function well, but I have always been high functioning since I have been his client.) I told him that I'd like to give therapy a break and then work with a woman next time. He thought that was a good idea.
It's frustrating, but the reality (as I see it) is that he can only travel with me to a certain emotional depth and then, for some reason, I feel like he disappears or stays in his head. I tell him, and he agrees with me, and then the same thing happens again. Again. Again. I keep telling him and he keeps agreeing with me. I believe that he is doing the best he knows how and he is very kind with me, but I just hate feeling so lonely and left in the cold when I disclose so deeply. It's a standstill. I am not sure if terminating is the best step, but it's the best I can think of for the reasons above and he agrees, so.
But actually I am feeling certain emotional reactions towards stepping down on sessions. I will tell him that when I see him next time, and see if that takes us anywhere. Worst that could happen, we are back at the standstill and I feel disappointed.......yikes, but worth the risk. I suppose.
I am so tired. Listless. Angry, shamed. These old feelings keep on churning. I keep on going. One way or another.
I broke into tears when I was driving home last night from school; the radio was playing this song, and lyrics went something like this:
"Even though you have been with me all these years, I am still alone all along."
The grief. I went home, took some muscle relaxant to ease the joint pain, and then passed out.
I know that I am not alone. Yet, in a tiny spot of my soul where the wounds reside and where the land is barren, I just feel like I am, all along.
And then the grief comes, washing me off the shore.
I dread going into that dark and cold place inside myself, but I do. My therapist seems to dread it, too, even though he says he is willing. I think that he dreads it because.......because whenever I get close or actually go in, he goes straight into his head or tries to get me into my head.
Oh I don't know what I am talking about anymore. So tired. Gotta finish work first.
poster:emmaley
thread:338869
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040419/msgs/338894.html