Posted by Racer on February 27, 2004, at 11:03:41
In reply to Re: Not butting in a-tall » Racer, posted by antigua on February 26, 2004, at 22:38:34
I know that my "issues" aren't about trying to be thin enough to be acceptable. It's one part self-punishment, two parts distorted body image based on my essential sense of failure in every aspect of my life (even those where empirical data proves I succeeded), one part taking on my mother's craziness, two teaspoons of screaming for help, and a dash of trying to disappear from the world.
So, it wasn't about food for me, either, but it did start out as a sort of, "I'm going to do something positive for myself by losing weight and getting in shape." I meant it, thinking that losing weight and getting in shape would improve my self-esteem enough that I could start feeling more successful. The problem with that, was that my weight wasn't the problem. And the real problems, mostly the failure parts, turned out to overwhelm me. See, most of the time my failures are apparent in going too far, rather than giving up. I set unrealistic expectations for myself, then punish myself because I couldn't meet them. So, diet and exercise didn't become the road to a healthy body to house my healthy mind -- it became another way to punish myself for my failures.
Mind you, this was 26 years ago. I'm still fighting it. Three minutes after a depressive episode starts for me, I start to "self-medicate" by trying to lose weight. The only way I can keep any control over those impulses is to keep my weight above a certain magic number. Above that number, I don't go into the cycle; below it, the eating patterns are triggered easily, and the emotional turmoil that I identify with that state start taking over. (Taking over in the sense that starvation does lead to cognitive impairment, at least in my case I know that's true.)
So, eating disorders are very much more complex than food, but it still hurts me to see some of my most beautiful friends, those with bodies I think are so scrumptious, so voluptous, so beautiful, worrying that they don't match up to the Supermodels. Yes, I have had friends who were naturally slender, or even skinny. For that matter, everyone in my family -- except me -- is built tall and lean, and they look very thin. That's one body type, and it's lovely on those who have it naturally. My body type, round and feminine, is often lovely on other people. (I can't say I've ever *liked* my body's appearance nude. But I've seen other women who are said to share my build, and they're lovely.) There's such a wide range of shapes in this world, and it's painful for me to watch beautiful examples of one shape punish themselves for not being another.
Lots of rambling, but I'm trying very hard not to get into another cycle of offending everyone with careless communication. What I'm saying, is that we're not so far off as you might have thought.
poster:Racer
thread:317321
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040225/msgs/318216.html