Posted by fallsfall on February 25, 2004, at 10:48:41
In reply to therapy causing depression?, posted by crushedout on February 24, 2004, at 23:41:55
Crushedout,
Your title really hit me. I believe that therapy with my previous therapist DID increase my depression. But it is really, really hard to make that determination.
I was not "in love" with her, but I idolized her. At some point I entered into a transference with her where I thought that she was unhappy with me (to this day, I don't know if she was or not). That made me try to figure out what I was doing "wrong", made me try to understand what she wanted me to do, make me work harder to be the perfect patient. I would have all of these plans of what I would talk about to make her happier with me, but after each session I was *crushed* with pain, because I felt that I had disappointed her again. Then the cycle would restart and I would obsess until the next session on how to succeed with her. I saw her once a week. For the last year or so (I saw her for 8 1/2 years), it would take me more than 48 hours to even be able to talk with my friends about things - that is how distressed I felt. One particularly bad session took 5 days to recover from.
The rest of the details about how and why I left that therapist are elsewhere on this board. But I do want to tell you what I experienced when I started seeing a new therapist.
First, I felt hope. With my old therapist I knew that I was doing absolutely everything that I could (because if there was anything else I could have done, I would have done it) - but I was still miserable. I was so depressed that we spent 1 1/2 years working on getting me to eat and do laundry and take showers (and I still couldn't do those things). I was seriously suicidal - but that did go away when I started with my new therapist.
Second, my depression lifted visibly. I'm still depressed, and I don't do those ADL things (eat, laundry, shower) all that well. But I started volunteering at the local library, and now have a 10 hour a week paid position there. I have much more energy than I did (though it is still pretty pathetic).
Third, therapy is still stressful for me. I'm often very scared when I walk through the door. My new therapist pushes me pretty hard, so I am always just on that line of real discomfort. But there is a difference. Every once in a while my new therapist will give me a break and we'll have an "easy" session. Those breaks (and the time until the next session) show me that a lot of my depression is *because* I am working hard on hard issues. And that if I didn't have hard issues (or didn't work on them) that I really would feel better and be able to function better. I am currently choosing to stay on this hard, intense path because I know that I'll have to do it at some point - so I figure I'll just get it over with now. With my first therapist there *WERE* no breaks - there was no relief (and consequently, no hope).
Changing therapists was critical for me. It was the best thing that I have done in therapy. I was hopelessly entwined with my first therapist (at least as much as I think you are with yours) - so leaving was incredibly difficult.
How did I know that I should change? She had taken my case to her peer supervisory group, and they had said that if I wasn't less dependent in 3 months, that she should terminate me. If I *was* less dependent, then she should reduce my sessions from weekly to every other week. I *had* to agree with her that if I was still feeling as miserable as I was then in 3 months that I didn't WANT to stay.
***
I didn't want to leave her because leaving would be so painful - but finally I realized that STAYING was painful. And finally I realized that even if leaving was excrutiatingly painful, that it wouldn't be worse than the pain that I was in.
***I had enough experience with other therapists to believe that someone other than her *could* comfort me and understand me. It was a huge leap. I'm really glad I did it.
poster:fallsfall
thread:317380
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040225/msgs/317506.html