Posted by antigua on January 8, 2004, at 10:32:30
In reply to Re: talking about traumas in therapy.. » Pfinstegg, posted by naiad on January 8, 2004, at 8:15:14
Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I'm not used to sharing mine about the abuse so this is very hard for me. But I do know that it helps sometimes.
My therapist is a little different than what I've read from others. I have been seeing her for about 13 years and as I mentioned in other posts I didn't start to explore the fact that I was sexually abused until after my father died 12 years ago.
It has been a really slow process. I do not have transference issues w/my therapist very often anymore (maybe I did at an earlier time but we seem to have worked through it)but I am aware that when I am upset w/her, it's usually about me and not her. This past summer she stood up and fought for me w/my CBT therapist (who pushed me over the edge and almost off the planet) just like a good mother. She taught me that she cares and that I'm worth fighting for, even though my own mother couldn't seem to have cared less. She is definitely the good mother. I can call her when I want and I actually know a great deal about her own life--maybe it's because it has been so long. I don't think we have strict boundaries, or if we do I've never remotely crossed them (I'm a coward, of course). Now, if she were to leave me, that would be awful.
My transference issues come up w/male authority figures. It's not exactly falling in love, but close because of the love I felt for my father as a child. I now recognize that this happens and I try to avoid these situations (not always possible of course!).
I trust my therapist absolutely and she has worked hard to gain my trust. Sometimes I think we move too slowly, but she always tells me that I am the one setting the pace, that we only proceed as my mind/feelings allow. In an emergency, I can see her whenever, but I usually see her once a week. We discussed more frequent visits, but she firmly believes that I need the week to process what we bring up. I think that works best for me. She "let" me begin EMDR several months ago because I was in such agony over being stuck and not remembering. It works out really well. I have EMDR on Tuesday and see her on Wednesday to go over what has come up. While the two therapists have somewhat different approaches there are great benefits to both. I have come a long way in the last several months because of this dual therapy. Primarily because the EMDR puts me in touch w/the feelings and I am much less unemotional when I recount what happened. This week my senses came into play--in addition to remembering, I also could smell and taste the memories (very yucky). This was instead of diassociating and flying up to the top of the ceiling and watching from above. But I've never completely broken down and let go, I am simply not able. I've cried, of course, but I'm holding on to all of this so tightly. I wish I could let it go.
I never knew I disassociated from the trauma; I just thought my behavior was normal. But I now see that when it got to be too much, I just pulled away. I thought I was over the shame and the guilt, but my T has convinced me that both of these things are preventing me from reaching the fear and the anger underneath. Don't get me wrong, I am angry at my father but I don't really feel it.
Good luck everyone.
antigua
poster:antigua
thread:294726
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040102/msgs/298069.html